2tickets2paradise's Blog

Subject: Converting a Bear (A - C) Bears can be a trifle unfriendly. A priest, a Pentecostal preacher and a Rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of the University of Alabama in Tuscaloosa. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop. One day, someone made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard. A real challenge would be to preach to a bear. One thing led to another and they decided to do an experiment. They would all go up to the Smokies, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it. 

Seven days later, they're all together to discuss the experience. 
Father Flannery, who has his arm in a sling, is on crutches, and has various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him I began to read to him from the Catechism. Well, that bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So, I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentl e a lamb. The bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.' 

Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with an arm and both legs in casts, and an IV drip. In his best fire and brimstone oratory he claimed, 'WELL brothers, you KNOW that WE don't sprinkle! I went out and I FOUND me a bear. And then I began to read to my bear from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took HOLD of him and we began to wrassle. We wrassled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek. So right quick-like, I DUNKED him and BAPTIZED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus.' 

They both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IV's and monitors running in and out of him. He was in bad shape. The rabbi looks up and says, 'Looking back on it, circumcision may not have be en the best way to start.'

My cousin Tonya sent me this today, I had to pass it on.   I especially love Andy's first observation, because it is absolutely true.

In case you missed it on 60 Minutes, this is what Andy Rooney thinks
about women over 40 . 

60 Minutes Correspondent Andy Rooney (CBS)

As I grow in age, I value women over 40 most of all. Here are just a few
reasons why:

A woman over 40 will never wake you in the middle of the night and ask,
'What are you thinking?' She doesn't care what you think.

If a woman over 40 doesn't want to watch the game, she doesn't sit
around whining about it. She does something she wants to do, and it's
usually more interesting.

Women over 40 are dignified. They seldom have a screaming match with you
at the opera or in the middle of an expensive restaurant. Of course, if
you deserve it, they won't hesitate to shoot you if they think they can
get away with it.

Older women are generous with praise, often undeserved. They know what
it's like to be unappreciated.

Women get psychic as they age. You never have to confess your sins to a
woman over 40.

Once you get past a wrinkle or two, a woman over 40 is far sexier than
her younger counterpart. Older women are forthright and honest. They'll
tell you right off if you are a jerk if you are acting like one. You
don't ever have to wonder where you stand with her!

Yes, we praise women over 40 for a multitude of reasons. Unfortunately,
it's not reciprocal. For every stunning, smart, well-coiffed, hot woman
over 40, there is a bald, paunchy relic in yellow pants making a fool of
himself with some 22-year old waitress.

Ladies, I apologize. For all those men who say, 'Why buy the cow when
you can get the milk for free?', here's an update for you. Nowadays 80%
of women are against marriage. Why? Because women realize it's not worth
buying an entire pig just to get a little sausage!

Andy Rooney is a really smart guy!

I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Eric, the 11

year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and
asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved
the problem.

 As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He
replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.'

 I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID
ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.'

 Eric grinned... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error
before?'

 'No,' I replied.  'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll
figure it out.'

 So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T

 I used to like Eric...

MEDICARE COVERAGE IN A NUTSHELL

 The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,
 'Hello.' 'Mrs. Sanders, please.'

 'Speaking.'

 'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes
 Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy
 to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr.
 Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which
 one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the
 results are not too good.'

 'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

 'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for
 Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV.
 We can't tell which is which.'

 'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?'
 questioned Mrs. Sanders.

 'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these
 expensive tests one time.'

 'Well, what am I supposed to do now?' 

'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your
 husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he
 finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'

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I have somehow managed to escape all the Tupperware parties, Make -Up Parties, have attended a few Jewelry Parties and many Lingerie Parties (although they are fun).. however, I have just received my first invitation to a Tomboy Tool party. Now those of you who know me, know, I am about as handy Lucy Ricardo and my husband, who has quite a collection of tools, is just that... a collector because any time we need ANYTHING fixed, he calls a repair man because Dagwood doesn't like to get his hands dirty. I will probably go to the party and will probably buy something as part of the proceeds go to breast cancer awareness (plus the stuff is a pretty pink) but I need need a set of tools as much as a fat girl needs a thong bikini.

With all the sadness going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.

Larry LaPrise, the man that wrote "The Hokey Pokey" died peacefully at the age of 93.
The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin.
They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

Iranian Planes Landing in Atlanta GA
 

You gotta love this one even if you've never lived in the South.
Some of you will enjoy this more than others... Southerners can be so polite!
 
Atlanta Airport
Atlanta ATC: 'Tower to Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land
eastbound on runway 9R
Saudi Air: 'Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised.'
Atlanta ATC: 'Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R.'
Iran Air: 'Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's run way 9R. - Allah is Great.'
Pause...
Saudi Air: ' ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC'
Atlanta ATC: 'Go ahead Saudi Air 511.'
Saudi Air: 'YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE.'
Atlanta ATC: 'Well bless your little hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah 'hey' for us -- 

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I OWE MY MOTHER

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished

cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next

week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.

" Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the

store with me."

*6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.

"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have

wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.

"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that

way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.

"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favorite:

25. My mother taught me about JUSTICE.

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

As a side note to #25... she marked me with a real troll!

A blonde teenager, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do. "Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch," he said. "How much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she would need where in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation said to her husband, "Does She realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?" He responded, "That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes we've been getting by e-mail lately."

Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already?" the startled husband asked. "Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her along with a ten dollar tip.

"And by the way, " the blonde added, "it's not a Porch,it's a Lexus."

My good friend Danielle sent me this, for those of you who have ever dealt with a mouthy 3 year old, you know there is no shutting them up... the more you try the worse it gets and will probably empathize with this woman. I have to admit, I have been guilty of wanting to hide my shoes in similar situations.


Potty Stop......

A 3-year-old tells all from his mother's rest-room stall.
By Shannon Popkin




My little guy, Cade, is quite a talker. He loves to communicate and
does it quite well. He talks to people constantly, whether we're in the
library, the grocery store or at a drive-thru window. People often
comment on how clearly he speaks for a just-turned-3-year-old. And you
never have to ask him to turn up the volume. It's always fully cranked.
There've been several embarrassing times that I've wished the meaning
of his words would have been masked by a not-so-audible voice, but
never have I wished this more than last week at Costco.

Halfway, through our shopping trip, nature called, so I took Cade with
me into the rest-room. If you'd b een one of the ladies in the rest-room
that evening, this is what you would have heard coming from the second
to the last stall:
'Mommy, are you gonna go potty? Oh! Why are you putting toiwet paper
on the potty, Mommy? Oh! You gonna sit down on da toiwet paper now?
Mommy, what are you doing? Mommy, are you gonna go stinkies on the
potty?'

At this point I started mentally counting how many women had been in
the bathroom when I walked in. Several stalls were full ... 4? 5? Maybe
we could wait until they all left before I had to make my debut out of
this stall and reveal my identity. Cade continued, 'Mommy, you ARE
going stinkies aren't you? Oh, dat's a good girl, Mommy! Are you
gonna get some candy for going stinkies on the potty? Let me see doze
stinkies, Mommy! Oh .. Mommy! I'm trying to see in dere. Oh! I see
dem. Dat is a very good girl, Mommy. You are gonna get some
candy!'

I heard a few faint chuckles coming from the stalls on either side of
me. Where is a screaming newborn when you need her? Good grief.
This was really getting embarrassing. I was definitely waiting a long
time before exiting.

Trying to divert him, I said, 'Why don't you look in Mommy's purse and
see if you can find some candy we'll both have some!'

'No, I'm trying to see doze more stinkies. Oh! Mommy!' He started to
gag at this point.

'Uh oh, Mommy. I fink I'm gonna frow up. Mommy, doze stinkies are
making me frow up!! Dat is so gross!!' As the gags became louder,
so did the chuckles outside my stall. I quickly flushed the toilet in
hopes of changing the subject. I began to reason with myself: OK,
there are four other toilets. If I count four flushes, I can be
reasonably assured that those who overheard this embarrassing monologue
will be long gone.

'Mommy! Would you get off the potty, now? I want you to be done going
stinkies! Get up! Get up!' He grunted as he tried to pull me off.
Now I could hear full-blown laughter. I bent down to count the feet
outside my door.

'Oh, are you wooking under dere, Mommy? You wooking under da door?
What were you wooking at, Mommy? You wooking at the wady's feet?'
More laughter. I stood inside the locked door and tried to assess the
situation.

'Mommy, it's time to wash our hands now. We have to go out now, Mommy.'
He started pounding on the door. 'Mommy, don't you want to wash your
hands? I want to go out!!' I saw that my 'wait 'em out' plan was
unraveling. I sheepishly opened the door, and found standing outside
my stall, twenty to thirty ladies crowded around the stall, all smiling
and starting to applaud. My first thought was complete embarrassment,
then I thought, 'Where's the fine print on the 'motherhood contract'
where I signed away every bit of my dignity and privacy?' But as my
little boy gave me a big, cheeky grin while he rubbed bubbly soap
between his chubby little hands, I thought, I'd sign it all away again,
just to be known as Mommy to this little fellow.

(Shannon Popkin is a freelance writer and mother of three. She lives
with her family in Grand Rapids, Michigan, where she no longer uses
public restrooms)

Despite my insatiable attraction to yankee men, I actually scored 87% Dixie on this, it's a fun little test that I thought I'd pass along to you all.... let me know what your score is!

http://www.angelfire.com/ak2/intelligencerreport/yankee
_dixie_quiz.html

Men Are Just Happier People-- What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks. A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.

Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes. Everything on your face stays its original color. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life. One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

 
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind." -Dr. Seuss-

Manure: In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.

Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening.

After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into t he hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T ", (Ship High In Transport) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I.

I had always thought it was a golf term.

A filthy rich North Carolina man decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood. He held the party around the pool in  the backyard of his mansion.

Leroy was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with all the women. At the height of the party, the host said, "I have a 10 ft man-eating gator in my pool and I'll give a million dollars to anyone who has the nerve to jump in." 

The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool! Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator
and let it float tothe top like a dime store goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.Finally the host says, "Well, Leroy, I reckon I oweyou a million dollars,""No, that's okay. I don't want it," said Leroy.The rich man said, "Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a
million bucks then?""No thanks, I don't want it," answered Leroy.The host said, "Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?"Again Leroy said
no.    Confused, the rich man asked, "Well, Leroy, then what do you want?"Leroy said, "I want the name of the sumbich who pushed me in the pool!"