Dak413's Blog

this is so funny I just had to  share it

 Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy
> who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their
> anniversary
> submitted this:
>
> Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol
> & Pawn Shop
> that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th
> anniversary
> and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife
> Julie.
> What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized
> Taser.
> The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived,
> with no
> long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her
> adequate
> time to retreat to safety....??
> WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and
> brought it home.
>
> I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
> button. Nothing!
> I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed
> the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the
> same
> time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back
> and forth
> between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
> Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that
> burn
> spot is on the face of her microwave.
>
> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to
> myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two
> triple-A
> batteries, right?
>
> There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
> intently (trusting little
> soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that
> I
> really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &
> blood moving target.
>
> I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction
> of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet
> cat.
> But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to
> protect
> herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it
> would
> work as advertised. Am I wrong?
>
> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
> reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my
> nose,
> directions in one hand, and Taser in another.
>
> The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
> disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed
> to cause
> muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
> three-second
> burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
> ground
> like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three
> seconds
> would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm
> looking at this
> little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4
> inch in
> circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two
> itsy, bitsy
> triple-A
> batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
>
> What happened next is almost beyond description, but
> I'll do
> my best...? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on
> with her
> head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it
> BLEEP,'
> reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little
> ole
> thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give
> myself a one
> second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to
> my
> naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . HOLY MOTHER OF
> GOD . . .
> WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
>
> I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side
> door,
> picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on
> the
> carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall
> waking up
> on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes,
> body
> soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
> found,
> with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
> position, and
> tingling in my legs?
>
> The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
> clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace,
> obviously
> in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping
> all over
> the living room.
>
> Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself
> with a
> Taser, one note of
> caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when
> you zap yourself!
> You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
> from
> your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A
> three
> second burst would be considered conservative?
>
> SON-OF-A-BLEEP, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
>
> A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a
> relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what
> little I
> had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent
> reading
> glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner
> was
> upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally
> was.
> My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
> twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with
> Novocain,
> and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the
> drooling. Apparently I BLEEP myself, but was too numb to
> know for
> sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke
> cloud
> above my head which I believe was came from my hair.
> I'm still
> looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant
> reward for
> their safe return!!
>
> P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens
> me with it!
>
> 'If you think Education is difficult, try being
> stupid.'
>