this is specially for Lost Hwy
GOD's Busy
If you don't know GOD, don't make stupid remarks!!!!!!! A United States Marine was attending some college courses between assignments. He had completed missions in Iraq and Afghanistan One of the courses had a professor who was an avowed atheist and a member of the ACLU. One day the professor shocked the class when he came in. He looked to the ceiling and flatly stated, "God, if you are real, then I want you to knock me off this platform. I'll give you exactly 15 minutes." The lecture room fell silent. You could hear a pin drop. Ten minutes went by and the professor proclaimed, "Here I am God. I'm still waiting." It got down to the last couple of minutes when the Marine got out of his chair, went up to the professor, and cold-cocked him; knocking him off the platform. The professor was out cold. The Marine went back to his seat and sat there, silently. The other students were shocked and stunned and sat there looking on in silence. The professor eventually came to, noticeably shaken, looked at the Marine and asked, "What the heck is the matter with you? Why did you do that?" The Marine calmly replied, "God was too busy today protecting America's soldiers who are protecting your right to say stupid stuff and act like an idiot. So, He sent me."
this is so funny I just had to share it
Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy
> who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Taser for their
> anniversary
> submitted this:
>
> Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol
> & Pawn Shop
> that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th
> anniversary
> and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife
> Julie.
> What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized
> Taser.
> The effects of the Taser were supposed to be short lived,
> with no
> long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her
> adequate
> time to retreat to safety....??
> WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and
> brought it home.
>
> I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the
> button. Nothing!
> I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed
> the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the
> same
> time; I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back
> and forth
> between the prongs. AWESOME!!!
> Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that
> burn
> spot is on the face of her microwave.
>
> Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to
> myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two
> triple-A
> batteries, right?
>
> There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on
> intently (trusting little
> soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that
> I
> really needed to try this thing out on a flesh &
> blood moving target.
>
> I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction
> of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet
> cat.
> But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to
> protect
> herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it
> would
> work as advertised. Am I wrong?
>
> So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my
> reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my
> nose,
> directions in one hand, and Taser in another.
>
> The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and
> disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed
> to cause
> muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a
> three-second
> burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
> ground
> like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three
> seconds
> would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm
> looking at this
> little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4
> inch in
> circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two
> itsy, bitsy
> triple-A
> batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
>
> What happened next is almost beyond description, but
> I'll do
> my best...? I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on
> with her
> head cocked to one side as to say, 'don't do it
> BLEEP,'
> reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little
> ole
> thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give
> myself a one
> second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to
> my
> naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . HOLY MOTHER OF
> GOD . . .
> WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!
>
> I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side
> door,
> picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on
> the
> carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall
> waking up
> on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes,
> body
> soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be
> found,
> with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest
> position, and
> tingling in my legs?
>
> The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before,
> clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace,
> obviously
> in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping
> all over
> the living room.
>
> Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself
> with a
> Taser, one note of
> caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when
> you zap yourself!
> You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
> from
> your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A
> three
> second burst would be considered conservative?
>
> SON-OF-A-BITCH, THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!
>
> A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a
> relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what
> little I
> had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent
> reading
> glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. The recliner
> was
> upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally
> was.
> My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
> twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with
> Novocain,
> and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the
> drooling. Apparently I BLEEP myself, but was too numb to
> know for
> sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke
> cloud
> above my head which I believe was came from my hair.
> I'm still
> looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant
> reward for
> their safe return!!
>
> P. S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens
> me with it!
>
> 'If you think Education is difficult, try being
> stupid.'
>
