Kay_Kay_'s Blog

N Disclaimer: I write this to share what I think and feel as having traveled a long path in recovery. However, I write it more for me to process my own words and those of others to continue the path in recovery.  Its a long road but it does not have to be a treacherous one.  N

     Many things happen in the mind and body of a child as they are growing up. I do not want to write in reference to only those children that are sexually abused because in my own experience the mental and emotional troubles (I believe) were far more intense to overcome than was the physical act. (this is my experience and mine alone.)

     Raising a child to be healthy and balanced is an important and highly intense undertaking. But, it does not have to be impossible. I love my parents and believe with all my heart they did an outstanding job because for one, I am here to tell you my story of ability to overcome and thrive. I believe I am a good parent and I try with all my might to do my best. I feel the heart of my children would show you this. However,  heart and try does not always win in the battle of abuse.

My most important statement I can make for you to take in and remember:

Communication, honest-open communication, is the key to a road of healthy and balanced relationships.

Many parents think they need to shelter their children from any and everything. Lord knows, I know this well because I sheltered my children probably more vigilantly than most. (because of my past) However, sheltering a child from reality is tad amount to setting them up for becoming a victim. We as parents need to know the healthy balance in reality and shelter for our children's sake.

Through the eyes of a child:

Back in the day I was taught things like "Stranger Danger" and other sayings to keep me away from falling victim to predators outside my parents door. This was good and it was made with good intentions. However, let me say this loud and clear as I can....

Most abuse victims are NOT victim to strangers. They are victim to those parents trust. That is how most predators are allowed access to our children. These predators rely on the fact that their trusting role will help to hide and protect their actions. Many of them feel what they do is not really wrong, its ok because they love the child. It is sick and perverse and horribly true. It helps to create the walls the child builds within themselves because telling on this trusted person goes against many of the values they are taught.

Picture this: (This is very simplistic but it bares my point in easily understandable text and imagery)

As a child you are taught that the sky is green. Your family and the people that you are surrounded by always refer to the sky as green. You color pictures and the sky you color is green and everyone expresses how wonderful this is. What you know as true and correct is the sky is green, it is a part of your common sense by school age. You go to school and see other kids coloring green skies and the teacher even has a picture of green skies but they keep on saying its blue...blue skies..."What?!" your confused but don't want to be singled out cause your the only one you can see that has an issue with the green versus blue.  Course you want to go home and cry to mom or dad and tell them what your issue is cause you don't understand and everyone is saying different than you. You feel odd and alone in this confusion. Your about to bring it up and something says to you....my family is not going to believe me....its ridiculous....the sky is green, its what they always taught me...me going to them to say its blue is really going to get me either in trouble or looked at in a bad way. I'll just keep my mouth shut. the wall begins to build....................
Now look at this kind of thing from my point of view as a child in an intense situation:

I have a family member that teaches me from a very young (toddler) age that his touch is in love, it is neither threatening or physically painful at that point. Well, he is not a stranger, my family loves him, I'm taught that he is not only an elder in my family but in the church, he knows whats right, my family taught me to trust and love and look to him for guidance. But, wait...I go to school and they start teaching me about "touch" and
"NO ONE" can touch me in certain places or say the things he does to me. They say no one, not even family members. I don't see any other kids looking around or talking about their elder family member. Hmmm, I'm different? Ok, well I'm going to go home and see what mom thinks. But, wait... that means that he is like the "stranger" and they say the "stranger is a bad person that does these things. OK, so maybe I wont tell mom cause then I'm saying he is a bad person and I was taught he is good, more than good. What am I going to do now? I'll just shut my mouth. The walls begin to build.

Communication is the key. A child needs to be taught from a young age that being able to communicate with their parent, no matter the situation, nor what they have been taught, is welcomed by the parent. A child should be able to communicate to learn and grow from whatever is in their minds without fear of the parent judging their thoughts. We as parents can listen to what they communicate and help steer them in the right direction. Without this the child sits alone to build walls because of fear. I am absolutely not saying that we as parents need to agree with what the child communicates. However, by being able to hear them we can help them learn better, debunk myths or fears, and we can learn about ourselves in the process.

I wish I could have told. Instead of having to get the strength now to.

T h e   C a b i n e t

     The cabinet is the name of my blog. I wanted to take a minute and explain the cabinet concept before I furthered any blogs on my intended purpose. (To communicate to and with people about the profound effects of child abuse and the profound ability survivors have to recover and be successful.)

This picture is near an exact replica of the bathroom cabinet I use to crawl into as a kid. Even as a young teen I could put myself in there and close the door. I was NOT beaten or physically harmed by physical punishments by my parents or even my abuser. I need to state that sharply. The cabinet was a place I saw as a small kid to "hide" from anyone and everyone. It was the one place I could find that people weren't watching me or looking at me and I could break down. I was safe from judgment and scolding for being wimpy or weak. I could be scared and cry all I wanted in that cabinet and it was ok cause no one would be the wiser.

This blog is a place I can come, and even though it is highly public, I can be myself and sit here in fear or cry if I want and no one will be the wiser unless I show it and accept what people tell me. However, I can close the cabinet doors (the internet window) and come back when I am ready to. Does that make sense to anyone?

I don't seek pity for my cabinet. I love my cabinet and to this day I can walk into my closet close the door and breathe deep, regain composure and it is a strengthening tool NOT a disability or weakness to be pitied. I have turned it into mine and not theirs. Ya know?

So, welcome to my cabinet. just please know if I sometimes take awhile to respond, its not because I am not listening or paying attention. I am usually absorbing what was wrote and learning from it. Please don't temper your words or you thoughts. I am a strong person that has many weakness too and fully intend on being a friend and learning from friends too.

My posts will go in mostly entertainment as they are not "News" they are my personal accounts.

Take Care,

K-K <--------this was my nickname as a child and is what they call me at work as a term of endearment, some started calling me that here and it feels right so I'm proud to sign posts this way.

Ok, going out on a limb to show who I am.  I don't care who will laugh really. The meaning of this song is deeply embedded in me. The orchestra used, the passion in all the ups and downs of the composition take my breath away. The video of Rocky training cinches it for me. When I was a kid this movie came out. I was not allowed to listen to rock. I lived in a house where we listened to 50's, classical orchestra, bluegrass, and not much more. Rock was NOT allowed. BUTTTT, I had a vcr and a vhs of this movie. This was classical music but with a twist at that time. I played it so much I had to buy the folks a new tape. This song, this video capture what was embedded into my mind/body back then. This is what I took from the Rocky movie and music as a kid......

     You can not like me, you can think I wont make it, you can not have faith in me, I can believe different. I can fight, I can train, I can pull myself out of the hole and rise above. Its called the Spirit of Man, and I felt that watching Rocky, listening to the music of Rocky. It still brings a tear to my eye, because I remember being the only female in Kenpo back then. I remember being the only female in Tae Kwon do and paying physically for that transgression I rose above and showed them I could be apart of a team even though I was female.  Not in rebellion mind you. I became a part of the demonstration team as the only female because I had become apart of the team. I rose above myself and learned and fought and taught.

So is the Spirit of Man. Wooooooooooohoooooooooooo IS you inspired me today! I'm going to playpaint ball now and down some good guys LOL my new team!!!

Laterz,

Kay

That's Right, I said Halloween in August!

Each County and Municipality have their own rules and guidelines about Halloween and the Sex Offender. Some cities do wonderful and take great precautions to keep this activity as safe as they can.

I know their can be great controversy over this subject. However, let me state a few things.

1. Yes it would be nice to be able to do some of these restrictions every night of the year. And, be able to enforce them. Harsh reality there are not enough employed to do this.
2. Yes, some sex offenders get thrown into the bunch that may not need to be there. I am sorry for your inconvenience however, sometimes we have to inconvenience the few to protect the masses.
3. I know, we are putting emphasis on one single day of the year. But, we are doing something. It is called pro-active work and I am all for it.

I will be posting somethings people can do for their communities and for their awareness in regards to preparing for Halloween activities. Whether you celebrate this child's fun time or not, this is a time to become aware. Some of the things to be taught during this activity can be absorbed and remembered when protecting children the other 364 days of the year.

Come sit with me as I write about this issue in general. Read about what towns are doing for this particular Holiday. Maybe start planning for something in your community now while there is time to do so. In all, I see this event as an avenue to educate.

Take Care,

Kay

Hey Ya'll,

     This is another song I wanted to include in this blog. I have many more I will share in time. I know alot of you know I enjoy music from lots of different genres. Some songs just "speak to me". I know the two songs I have on this blog may tend to make me look like a very devote Christian. I need you to know I have many questions and angers and that tend to prove otherwise. All I am try to communicate is I just listen to what feels right to me. I communicate with anyone and everyone and there will be times I post music that is not so spiritual, in fact it is downright brutal. I don't want anyone to get the wrong impression of me.   I don't want to lead anyone to believe that I am a completely healed Christian walking a perfect path, I am far from it.  Rest assured I will show you exactly whats inside, good, bad, and ugly.  I just hope that anyone out there sitting in silence knows life is here to be lived and it can be cause I'm living proof.  My dedication to anyone hurting. This song by Josh Turner, the lyrics are below, gives me some kind of peace when my head is pounding. Why is it that the rageful, questioning, human that I am can simply tilt her unbelieving hands to the sky when listening to this song and feel safe? Why is that? There is a reason. I know it and I have to go with it.

The Long Black Train by Josh Turner.

JOSH TURNER LYRICS

"Long Black Train"

There's a long black train comin' down the line,
Feeding off the souls that are lost and cryin'.
Rails of sin, only evil remains.
Watch out, brother, for that long black train.
Look to the heaven's, you can look to the sky.
You can find redemption staring back into your eyes.
There is protection and there's peace the same:
Burnin' your ticket for that long black train.

'Cause there's victory in the Lord, I say.
Victory in the Lord.
Cling to the Father and his Holy name,
And don't go ridin' on that long black train.

There's an engineer on that long black train,
Makin' you wonder if the ride is worth the pain.
He's just a-waitin' on your heart to say:
"Let me ride on that long black train."

But you know there's victory in the Lord, I say.
Victory in the Lord.
Cling to the Father and his Holy name,
And don't go ridin' on that long black train.

Well, I can hear the whistle from a mile away.
It sounds so good but I must stay away.
That train is a beauty makin' everybody stare,
But its only destination is the middle of nowhere.

But you know there's victory in the Lord, I say.
Victory in the Lord.
Cling to the Father and his Holy name,
And don't go ridin' on that long black train.

I said cling to the Father and his Holy name,
And don't go ridin' on that long black train.

Yeah, watch out brother for that long black train.
That devil's drivin' that long black train.


[ www.azlyrics.com ]

This blog is dedicated to the reader out there who lives much like I did in silence for years. I was scared of many things and many people. At a point that was crucial to my life I broke that silence as a last attempt before a fatal last resort. It was a turning point. I have come a very long way since. I just want you to know that you never have to write anything on this blog. You can read all you want and never even write a thing. But, please know this and try to believe this..........For many years I thought I was alone and no one would understand my pain, my past, and what I was left with. I was wrong and I found that out when I began to break the silence. There is a true power in knowing you aren't alone anymore, it begins the healing process and sometimes gives that bit of strength you need to make it through the night. I'm here, this blog is here. I'll sit with you.

Kay

I cant start a communication without this song. This song plus many more touch places in my heart that I could not tell you about. I will share more in time. Some are sad, some are rageful, some are full of hope, all are full of life.......................

"God Bless The Child (Extended Remix)"

Hallelujah, hallelujah,
God bless the child who suffers
Hallelujah, hallelujah,
God bless the young without mothers
This child is homeless,
That child's on crack
One plays with a gun,
while the other takes a bullet in his back
This boy's a beggar,
That girl sells her soul
They both work the same street,
The same hell hole

Hallelujah, hallelujah,
God bless the child who suffers
Hallelujah, hallelujah,
Let every man help his brother

Some are born addicted and some are just thrown away
Some have daddies who make them play games they don't want to play

But with hope and faith
We must understand
All God's children need is love
And us to hold their little hands

This boy is hungry, he ain't got enought to eat
That girl's cold and she ain't got no shoes on her feet

When a child's spirit's broken
And feels all hope is gone
God help them find the strength to carry on

But with hope and faith
Yea, we can understand
All God's children need is love
And us to hold their little hands

Hallelujah, hallelujah
Let us all love one another
Hallelujah, hallelujah
Make all our hearts blind to color
Hallelujah, hallelujah
God bless the child who suffers


[ www.azlyrics.com ]

This is C_O_Kay. Most of you know this ID as the playground ID but I decided to use it in dedication to Child Abuse Awareness and communication in the reference of. I just wanted to put this introduction here because I don't want anyone to think I am trying to hide or fool anyone. Honestly, I have done this before and took on more than I could handle. I don't mind admitting it. I spent many hours online trying to help people with their personal past. I want to do that but I have to be able to distance myself also so that I don't burn out et al. I can admit my being human today. ~Smiles~  In hope to not offend or cause any problems I would like to be able to write on this blog and communicate with others about Child Abuse and still be able to log into my C_O_Kay account for everything else. I feel this separation is important to me. Does this sound wrong of me? Does it give anyone a bad feeling of Me? If so please let me know because I'm ready to learn if I'm doing something wrong or odd.

Thanks for reading and welcome to this blog,

Kay (btw, this is my real name and I have always used my real name here, I'm not scared or wanting to hide, just need that space I suppose.)

The game I want to put here is being tricky so I will leave ya'll with this game and we'll see how it turns out.

Texas Treasure hunt

About the Game: I will post an object in text. You find a graphic/photo of it, post it on your blog, if you get back here before anyone else you get to post a response that you found it, and then you type out what you want the next person to find. If a couple people respond at the same time its ok, we can have more than one out at a time. Just make sure you post who's post you are responding to and what ya found. Then post your request.

Rules: ummmm don't post anything against policies and NO gum chewing in the park!

OK, here is mine. Find me a picture of homemade ice cream.

Today, it will be a day long event of wonderful music ready to begin whenever you want it to. Join me in listening to this patriotic, uplifting, and motivational music created and performed by our American Brothers and Sisters. 

Good Morning FOX4! Here is some playground activity to get the fun started on this glorious weekend. I'll be back later today with some real July Fourth fun. Grab a cup of coffee and a danish, they are set up over by the swings. (Dont walk in front of them though people, safety first!, LOL) Check out these "BlogThings" these are my results, click on the links and you can take the little quizlets too and see what you are. If You want post what you were on here and we can all have a giggle at each other.

Kay

Your 80s Hunk Is

John Stamos Who's Your 80s Hunk?

Your Intrapersonal Intelligence Score: 81% Your Intrapersonal Intelligence is Very High

You've spent a lot of time introspecting, and it's really paid off.
You are comfortable with who you are, and you have a life philosophy that you are happy to live by.
And you're always re-evaluating what you believe. Because you learn something new about yourself each day! How Does Your Intrapersonal Intelligence Rate?

You Are 80% Perfectionist You are a true perfectionist. You are both demanding of yourself and others.
While it's great to have goals and standards, they don't need to be sky high! Are You a Perfectionist?

**Parent Advisory** Some music NOT intended for little ones, this is Parody and some is not quite tasteful enough for the wee ones**

Ok, so its a bit early for the July 4th celebration. But, I thought I would help kick it off by providing you with some fun entertainment. I fear today is going to be a day of sadness for Our Country so in that honor: Here is an artist that is great at sniffing out the ridiculous and turning it into hilarity!

Without further a-do (phonetic spelling) Please Welcome:

Weird Al Yankovich and Company

Please use the trash receptacles when leaving.A clean playground is a safe playground.

Your Invited to the Grand Opening of Our FOX 4 Blogger's Playground

Where: Right here on the "Grounds"

When: July 4th Weekend (the whole weekend)

Activities: Games, Music, Conversation, Interesting Blogging

Yes, my playground comes with more protection than just little ole me. Besides, for some reason I spend more months of the year with something broke or sprained than not. But, my dogs offer all the protection we need for our playground. Check out these videos. They are not my dogs but are the same breeds. They are the best dogs in the world for protection and family lovin'. I'll have some pics up of mine possibly soon.

The first video is of a Bull Mastiff. One of the most "stout" dogs I have played and worked with. Mine's name is Hank. He is a sweety, but don't let him think you are trying to hurt someone in front of him, he gets violent quick.

The next video is of German Shepherds. I have three. They all have long formal names but we call the oldest male Gunner, the oldest female Baby, and the baby of Gunner and Baby is Shelby.

We also have dogs that people dropped off on our land at one point or another. One Chow Mix, one Terrier MIx, and one Austrailian Shepherd.  Did I mention we have a good bit of land? Its called "Critter's Ranch" officially.

Feel safe on the playground, just dont feed my dogs, please.

Ok, so I would not be a very responsibile Playground Safety Officer (LOL, cause I could see me being one of those some day) if I did not encorporate some rules now. Don't ya know? (Yes, insert yankee accent with that, LOL) (I'm having fun this morning sue me)

I have a video here I would like you to watch and it will help you to understand what we will not tolerate on this Playground. Thank You for your assistance in keeping this place safe for all.

One other rule: No fighting on my playground, I will win. (Smiles, and looks at duty gear belt.......OC spray - check, Taser - check, Pepper balls - check, zip ties - check, Reeces Peanut butter cups - check, oop did I write that one out loud?)