Klutzy2508's Blog

'If a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Units).  Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, a replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.
 
Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist off method.
 
Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.
 
Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each person have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction.
 
Any customer missing his balls should contact the local personnel in charge of removing and replacing these necessary items.
 
Please keep in mind that a customer without properly working balls is an unhappy customer.'

Now, who read this and didn't burst out laughing?

 Washington, D. C., HELLO!     Are all your calculators broken??

Accounts Receivable Tax    Building Permit Tax   CDL License   Corporate Income Tax    Cigarette Tax     Dog License Tax     Federal Income Tax      Fishing License  Tax            Food License Tax      Federal Unemployment Tax (FUTA)     Fuel Permit Tax                  Gasoline Tax     Hunting License Tax    Inheritance Tax   Inventory Tax     Liquor Tax  Luxury Tax      Marriage License Tax     Medicare Tax       Property Tax      Real Estate Tax   Service charge taxes      Social Security Tax       Road Usage Tax (Truckers)
Sales Taxes     Sate Income Tax      Telephone Federal Excise Tax           Utility Tax    Vehicle Sales Tax     Vehicle License Registration Tax    Watercraft Registration Tax            Well Permit Tax     Workers Compensation Tax      Scool Tax    IRS Interest Charges (tax on top of tax)     IRS Penalties (tax on top of tax)       State Unemployment Tax (SUTA)     Recreational Vehicle Tax      Telephone Federal Universal Service Fee Tax        Telephone State & Local Tax     Telephone Federal, State and Local Surcharge Tax
Telephone Minimum Usage Surcharge Tax    Telephone Recurring and Non-recurring Charges Tax       Telephone Usage Charge Tax

THINK THIS IS FUNNY?

Not one of these taxes existed 100 years ago...and our nation was the most prosperous in the world. We had absolutely no national debt...We had the largest middle class in the world...and Mom stayed home to raise the kids. What happened? Can you spell 'politicians!' And I still have to press "1" for English.

I hope this goes around the USA at least 100 times!!!

 What the heck happened?????

This is sort of long, but well worth the read.

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.  After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving about forty minutes.  By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.  He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive.  The more he chided her, the more agitated he became.  He just wouldn't let up one minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.  As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, 'While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.'

Didn't know whether to post this under Entertainment or Traffic!  LOL

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandfather about current events.  The grandson asked his grandfather what he thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and things in general.

The Grandfather replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born before:

television,   penicillin,   polio shots,  frozen foods,  Xerox,  contact lenses,  Frisbees and  the pill.

There were no:     credit cards,  laser beams, or ball-point pens

Man had not invented:    pantyhose,  air conditioners,  dishwashers,  clothes dryers, the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air, and man hadn't yet walked on the moon.

Your Grandmother and I got married first, then lived together.

Every family had a father and a mother.

Until I was 25, I called every man older than me, "Sir".  And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir."

We were before gay-rights, computer- dating, dual careers, daycare
centers, and group therapy.

Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.

We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.

We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.

Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.

Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends-not purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters,
yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.

We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.

And I don't ever remember any kid blowing his brains out listening to Tommy Dorsey.

If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan ' on it, it was junk.

 The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee was unheard of.

We had 5 & 10-cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.

And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, but who could afford one?  Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day:  "grass" was mowed, "coke" was a cold drink, "pot" was something your mother cooked in and "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.

"Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office, " chip" meant a piece of wood, "hardware" was found in a hardware store, and "software" wasn't even a word.

No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap... And how old do you think I am?

I bet you have this old man in mind...you are in for a shock!

Are you ready?????

This man would be only 59 years old.

Sad fact is, I remember these days.   Do you?

People were in their pews talking at church. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front  entrance,trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. 

 A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says
   he's sending a friend over to look at a horse.

   His buddy asks, "How will I recognize him?"

   "That's easy; he's a midget with a speech impediment."

   So, the midget shows up, and the guy asks him if he's
   looking for a male or female horse.

   "A female horth."

   So he shows him a prized filly.

   "Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth"?

   So the guy picks up the midget and he gives the
   horse's eyes the once over.

   "Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth"?

   So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him
   the horse's ears.

   "Nith earzth, can I see her mouf"?

   The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this
   point, but he picks him up again and shows him the
   horse's mouth.

   "Nice mouf, can I see her BLEEP"?

   Totally mad as fire at this point, the rancher grabs
   him under his arms and rams the midget's head as far
   as he can up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and
   slams him on the ground.

   The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

   "Perhapth I should rephrase that.
   Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit"?

March 14, 2008   Newsletter from ASPCA

USMC Responds To ASPCA Request To Release Findings Of Investigation Surrounding Shocking Video
On Friday, March 7, the ASPCA issued a press release urging the United States Marine Corps to release the findings of its investigation of a video clip showing a member of the military—seemingly a Marine—flinging a puppy across a rocky landscape. The ASPCA also urged concerned citizens to contact the USMC to voice their outrage. Response to our release by humanitarians nationwide was enormous—and prompted a reply from the USMC.

USMC RESPONDS TO ASPCA REQUEST TO RELEASE FINDINGS OF INVESTIGATION SURROUNDING SHOCKING VIDEO
On Friday, March 7, the ASPCA issued a press release urging the United States Marine Corps (USMC) to release the findings of its investigation of a video clip that appeared last week on several popular Internet sites. The grainy video shows a member of the military—seemingly a Marine—flinging a puppy across a rocky landscape. The video caused public outcry, and was featured on television news programs and covered by major news agencies, including the Associated Press. Although audio irregularities have caused some question about the video’s authenticity, the USMC has gone on record, deeming its content "deplorable" in a March 5 statement.

“The ASPCA understands and shares the outrage generated by this video,” says ASPCA President & CEO Ed Sayres. “With 66 percent of American households owning pets, we are clearly a country and a society that values the human-animal bond. It is horrifying that a member of the United States military—a body of people tasked with upholding the honor of our country—would perform such a cruel and deliberate act against a defenseless animal.”

The ASPCA also urged concerned citizens to contact the USMC to voice their outrage. Response to our release by humanitarians nationwide was enormous—and prompted communication from BGen Robert E. Milstead, Jr., Director, Marine Corps Public Affairs. “I have a dog and a cat, both rescued, so I can understand the disgust and outrage felt by those who have viewed the deplorable video of a Marine throwing a small puppy off a cliff,” writes BGen Milstead. “I can tell you that an official investigation is underway. The results of this investigation will establish the facts. Facts, not emotion, will be the basis used by these Marines' commanders in their determinations to include appropriate punishment. The actions of these Marines are clearly not consistent with that of the overwhelming majority of Marines who serve our nation with both courage and honor. Again, I understand everyone's outrage and demand for swift justice, but due process is a right afforded to all.”

If you have not already done so and wish to comment on the incident, the USMC encourages you to contact the Public Affairs Office of Marine Corps Base Hawaii (where the Marine believed to be in the video is stationed) at mcbh.pao.fct@nmci.usmc.mil.

To bad we don't have more teachers like this.

Back in September of 2005, on the first day of school, Martha Cothren, a Social Studies school teacher at Robinson High School in Little Rock, AR., did something not to be forgotten.

On the first day of school, with the permission of the school superintendent, the principal and the building supervisor, she removed all of the desks out of her classroom.

When the first period kids entered the room, they discovered that there were no desks. Looking around, confused, they asked, ‘Ms. Cothren, where're our desks?'

She replied, 'You can't have a desk until you tell me what you have done to earn the right to sit at a desk.'

They thought, 'Well, maybe it's our grades.' 'No,' she said.

Maybe it's our behavior.' She told them, 'No, it's not even your behavior.'

And so, they came and went, the first period, second period, third period. Still, there were no desks in the classroom.

By early afternoon television news crews had started gathering in Ms. Cothren's classroom to report about this crazy teacher who had taken all the desks out of her room.

The final period of the day came and as the puzzled students found seats on the floor of the desk less classroom. Martha Cothren said, 'Throughout the day no one has been able to tell me just what he/she has done to earn the right to sit at the desks that are ordinarily found in this classroom. Now I am going to tell you.'

At this point, Martha Cothren went over to the door of her classroom and opened it.  

Twenty-seven (27) U.S. Veterans, all in uniforms, walked into that classroom, each one carrying a school desk. The Vets began placing the school desks in rows, and then they would walk over and stand alongside the wall.

By the time the last soldier had set the final desk in place those kids started to understand, perhaps for the first time in their lives, just how the right to sit at those desks had been earned.

Martha said, 'You didn't earn the right to sit at these desks. These heroes did it for you. They placed the desks here for you. Now, it's up to you to sit in them. It is your responsibility to learn, to be good students, to be good citizens. They paid the price so that you could have the freedom to get an education. Don't ever forget it.'

By the way, this is a true story. If you can read this, thank a teacher. Since you read it in English, thank a soldier. If anyone questions whether this is true or not, send them to this link:  http://www.snopes.com/glurge/nodesks.asp

 It is true. Kudos to the teacher.

May all of our troops who are currently overseas, or those about to be deployed, have safe journeys, and come home to their loved ones whole and unharmed.

Thanks for being the heros you are.  Stay safe.

Names have been removed to protect the stupid! Actual Letter from someone who writes, and farms.

 I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.

The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie It and transport it home.

I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope. The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it.

After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up -- 3 of them. I picked out a lively looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me. I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.

I took a step towards it...it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.

The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.

That deer EXPLODED!

The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.

A deer—no chance. That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it.

As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.

A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head.

At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope. I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere.

At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.

Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer's momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in. 

I didn't really want the deer to suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder - a little trap I had set before hand...kind of like a squeeze chute. I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.

Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.

Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head --almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts. 

The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective.

It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds. I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it.

While I kept it busy tearing the muscles out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose.

That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day. Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp.

I learned a long time ago that, when an animal -- like a horse -- strikes at you with their hooves and you can't get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.

This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy. I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.

The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head.

Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.

Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.

I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.

So now I know why, when people go deer hunting, they bring a rifle with a scope, so that they can be somewhat equal to the Prey.

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."