Mitchman's Blog

I grew up in very large family, I have 6 brothers and sister, and of course our live in maid, Alice.  Okay, I made that last part up about the live in maid.  Every year we would take a family vacation across the country.  My parents did not believe in flying, they preferred to drive.  They were heartbroken when they found out we could not drive to Hawaii (okay, I am kidding about that too).  My dad loved to drive his car across the country, it was his pride and joy.  We are not talking some classic, sexy car either; we are talking about Ford LTD Country Squire Station Wagon.

 

Now, let me describe this car to you.  It was pale yellow with fake wood paneling (I never understood the fake wood paneling, did people think, wow, and is that REAL wood?) and my dad had attached a huge CB antenna to the roof of the car.  This CB antenna was so large that it scraped underpasses on the highway.  The FAA required us to attach a red, blinking light to keep planes from colliding with it at night.  The car was so embarrassing and to top it all, my father bought two of them.  Talk about station wagon obsession! 

 

Keep in mind that back in the day the AC systems were not has high tech as they are today.  Back then there were these classes in the car, first class (they got all the AC), second class (they received second-hand air filtered from first class), and third glass (that was located a mile back in those pop up seats we called THE PITS OF HELL).  If you are subjected to third class (I was a kid so I always had to sit back there) you had a mountain of luggage so very little air made its way back there.  Needless to say, we were always way too hot in the summer months and too cold in the winter.

 

When traveling my father had three rules for travel the open road.  There is no sleeping until we get outside of the sate of Texas (which takes forever, this state is HUGE), second, no eating in the car and the most important rule of all, NO FOREIGN ODORS!  The first two rules are easy, but sometimes, the third rule is broken because when nature calls!!!! 

 

On one of our trips to DISNEY WORLD in Orlando, Florida we had an incident that would haunt my father for life.  Late one night we were drifting off to sleep in the car when I was quickly I awaken from my slumber.  There was an odor in the pits of hell.  I checked to make sure it was not me, when I realized it was not me I woke up my sister and little brother.  We did not want to alert my father of the incident if we could contain it in our sector of the vehicle.  We spoke in sign language so that we would go undetected by my fathers bionic like hearing.  We finally discovered the culprit, it was my little brother.  You know how we knew it was him?    He was sleeping, but he was smiling, dead giveaway.  

 

We woke him and let him know what he had released in the car (he was scared to death).  The look on his face was that of a man that accidentally shot someone.  He cried out, “I am so sorry, it must have slipped out!”  There was yellow film now covering the back window and we could no longer contain the smell.  It had begun to sift into second class and on to my father’s nostrils as he sat in the front seat.  Up to that point you could only hear the CB static.  My father had a habit of jacking up volume as if he had found some great song on the radio.  The sound was often deafening.  When he caught wind of the smell, he sniffed!  “SNNNNF, (silence fell throughout the Country Squire even the CB static turned itself down in fear).  “Who FAWTED!?!” (My father is from New York City and has a heavy New York accent.  The best way to describe my father is to say that he is across between General George S. Patton of World War II, Archie Bunker from ALL IN THE FAMILY, and Mr. Costanza, George’s dad on SIENFELD).

He asked again, “Who Fawted?” in his heavy Yankee accent.  No would say a word.  He looked to my mother, "Did you fawt Chrissy?  My mother is basically Mrs. Canstanza from SIENFELD.

“No, Charlie, I didn’t fawt” she replied.

“Well, your motha didn’t fawt, I didn’t fawt, I guess the car fawted.  I guess the car just ripped one, is that what you are telling me?  Then he said something we could not believe.  “Tell me who fawted right now or I will stop the car and smell your rear ends.  I thought to myself, could you imagine all of us standing on the side of the rode while my father smelt it to find out who dealt it?

 

We broke out in laughter and my father lightened up a little after that.  It went down as our funniest car moment for years to come, but there would be more.  I will share those stories at another time. 

 

Well, that’s the first RETRO Ride story.  I encourage others of you to share special moments in the cars of your lifetime!