As I depart, let my work live on...
What more can I say?
What more can I do?
Hit the ground harder everyday
I've nowhere left to turn to
Depending on this to lift me higher
agonised tears lay waste to this fire
That used to burn...
ever so bright...
Why stand up and fight?
Just another day
Just another failure
Just another way
to say goodbye...
to this life I've known
The emptiness has grown...
Bottom edging in close by ticking hour
Body has lost all of it's power
Take it in, pass it out
wonder what all the chaos is about...
...but it's only you...
you alone...
shape your own life by the decisions you make
shape your own life by every hit you take
throw it away, wash it down
shoot it in, forget the world
you're in your own heaven
but one man's heaven is another man's hell...
Awaken
To rising sound
head is throbbing...
squinting eyes watch shadows fly obstructing painful light
Screaming
Intensifies the fog
screeching tires, see fading lights pierce the night
all her things are gone
only memento left is a note
knowing you've been so wrong
back to the only way with which you know how to cope...
...she'll coem back to me
she can't keep me in this misery
left me with half a hope
and half a case
the answer's cold
and it hides behind the shining door
what do i do?
i can't take this anymore...
Vacation of hell is finally done
Back to daily grind
Six long weeks of hindered though
Still the answer I can't find
Destined to be miserable and lonely
and knowing she was the only...
one...
and i went and BLEEP it all up, once again...
change is near...
should i fear?
off I go
to the quitter's lair
to rid myself of dependence and despair
take it away
the crutch that's weakening by the day
taken aback by fear, but i will no longer pay
I refuse
to be another slave to the master
Controlling my thoughts
Controlling my life...
I refuse
To be led astray
Pushing me closer
To the flame
and pulling me from the truth
Here i take the plunge...
CONGRATULATIONS!
is this what you wanted?
your program can burn in hell!
i need no help, no one to rely on
your false sympathy obvious as your greed
so give back the crutch!
I'll lean a little too hard!
throw ice in my path life, i'll break it and jump right in!
...the aura...
...the echo...
building with time
this again... but it feels so right
one more, no less
hand goes under
sinking deeper
no lifeguard
i chased him away
i wanted this fate
now it's mine
consummation
almost mine
a hand...
...a rescue?
i killed the help...
where am i...?
Hey life, are you listening?
On my own now!
humbled by your haunting test
that i managed to pass somehow...
take this crutch once more
burn it with my other assorted demons
time is on my side...
in nostalgia i no longer confide...
Life is great, i feel so fine
this fun has got me going out of my mind
Night on the town and days in the bed
finally waking up without a pain in my head
feel so alive, more than i've ever been
never going back to that BLEEP life again
...
that life...
haunting familiar as i walk out my door...
gone from looking at the sky to gazing at the floor...
just another flashback...
a few wouldn't hurt...
five...
six...
where am i?
Swing the gavel down
send me back to the quitter's lair
not on my own this time
institutionalise me...
i feel so alone
one night, one mistake...
is this a sign
of better times?
or an everlasting omen that will haunt me
evermore
week flies by
still i try
to make this all feel right
another week gone
another week too long
they laugh at me...
i cry for help...
but no one hears...
they outcast me
i stand alone
here comes the recurring fear...
i need this crutch oh so much!
this pain is not worth this hell!
two weeks and i'll be tolling my own bell!
can you hear me life?
i don't want this!
taken aback...
by the feeling of the walls...
one... two...
oh, hi life!
three, four...
how are you fear?
this is paranoia and shame
five... six... take it down...
I trust you've met agony and pain
I know why you're here
but i don't care
voices don't laugh at me
voices don't haunt me
voices are my friend...
they signify the end
of my sanity and pain...
seven... eight... take it down...
but who needs sanity?
i have bottles, one big, one small
the contents of both dwindling with time
this makes me unique...
placidity has reached it's peak...
rough waters cease with chill and calm
although the agony rages on...
nine... ten... take it down...
flashback...
i was clean
life was great!
i did it on my own!
never felt alone!
why is that such an impossibility now?
stop this!
i don't want to die...
this may be a lie...
...
but... i don't want to find out...
...it's too late...
...well, at least he can lead by example now...
i lay in repose
but no one knows
i see them
i hear them
crying for me
their remorse i see... again...
the eternal book adds another page
as i lay at rest on the failure's stage
you win death
life takes another loss
the game i promised i'd never lose
the trust i vowed to never lose
i hear them
and their regrets for me
just a martyr of a man gone wrong
they see
just another lost case who strayed a bit too far
they finally hear
another cry left unanswered
they cry
another tear shed for the hopeless future
they lose
another hope for a better life
gone...
with my pain...
and all i can do is hope...
hope the others hear my haunting voice
the moment they make a drastic choice
for now i can see...
i was never meant to be...
Why did I take you for granted?
Never thought I'd feel so bad
Thinking of you endlessly
All the great times that we had
They reached down and took you away
It's making me feel so alone
Wishing I had you here today
You'd kill me for being so weak
But I can't find any other way
The pain is here to stay...
The prevention kills me
The futility screams at me
The anger bleeds from my soul
The panic eats my life...
Sadness clouds al lthat I see
What will it take for it to be free?
Awakened mind
But still I sleep
I'll take this pain
And your memory is mine to keep
Holding back these tears
As I kneel beside your grave
Why did you have to do this?
Another life I could have saved
And I just can't bear to imagine...
The pain
The suffering
The agony you must have felt...
So many questions left beside the stone I knelt
Or did you even care at all?
Did your selfishness commence your downfall?
And the wonder eats me away
As the questions kill me every day
I find solace in this inquisition
As futile as inquisition seems...
And the anger rips my pain
The very thought of you drives me insane
Is this all
You wanted from me?
Feeling your pain endlessly...
I struggle to comprehend
The reasons you inflicted your fate
Was it me
Was it God
Was it life itself?
Would you care to see me in this state?
Do I need to feel what you felt to answer this question?
Will I end it all to end this confusion?
But that's what you'd want me to feel...
To feel as dead as you
To feel as lame as you
To feel as spiteful and agonised as you
No way
I won't stay
In this pain
I won't feel the same
So this demon of inquisition I will tame
As some things were better left
Unanswered.
hate
hate what you see in the mirror
fear
fear for tomorrow's agony
love
love is nowhere to be seen
death closing in...
feel it's chill...
but still it waits...
on and on charging through, never looking back
another hit, another round, clear obscures the black
destined for eternity in haze and drifting further dark
seeing things that are not there, reaching for nothing
but you swear that it's something...
existing lost it's fun
now i'm no one
these pills and this needle are glowing ever bright
no one left to tell me wrong, no will left to fight
fear, hate trembling, senses dulled
fate's cover has been pulled
never stop to realise something's always there
never stop to think of the lives you will leave bare
hope you're happy, here it comes, your final wish came true...
...
something stops you, origin unknown...
makes you wonder...
chills you down to the bone...
your despair left under...
surfacing the choppy waters of perish, swearing it's something...
but it was nothing...
not a dream, this must be real...
doom's grip upon me i must feel...
but it was never there...
should i care?
is there more to life than what i obscured...
but happiness and joy never occurred...
sorrow and misery all i had...
or all i saw... and felt...
unnecessary?
who's to say?
i fear for the future as this is all surreal...
is this all because i'd never drop and kneel?
higher powers suffice my will?
no explination, no more care, life to live, must move on...
but you can't...
you're stuck in this nightmare...
the whirling torrent of your pain and anguish...
all comes back to haunt you...
what did i do wrong?
all because i was unhappy for so long?
no release from this cell i apparently made...
last bit of light has been covered with shade...
is this where i die?
just sit here and lie?
crevice in the sky cracks to reveal light
suddenly you feel relieved of all fright
you wake up at home, free at last
but lying there is a memento of your recent past...
dead...
a ghost?
wife stands over your corpse, tears fall like rain
you stand there in shock, but feeling no pain...
you thought they'd not care, your face everywhere
stories with coworkers everyone would share
your life, legacy, all now just tales
i never thought it'd be this way...
never thinking of emotions...
of others, my own...
famous for all the wrong reasons...
not this, not now, take me back i beg!
not an answer is heard, not a sound...
witnessing your own horror story unfold, you weep for what you had
and weep for what could have been, what might've been, all just a fad
wake up soul...
wake up...
all but a dream.
skeptic of reality you frantically search for obscurity...
to joy, it was all but a dream...
but could come to fruition...
stop the madness...
