This Aint Your Land's Line In The Sand

So, I'm walking through the super market and I see the newest copy of the Globe, which has, among other things, this, on the cover,

Now, after seeing that, you're probably wondering what it's all about. You're probably thinking, "Has Obama been murdering gay people in his spare time?" or alternately, "I knew that guy murdered gay people!"

That's why I stepped up to the plate, bought the latest copy of the Globe, and perused the story so I could tell you what it was really all about -- because after all, if this man is going to be our next President and he's going to be getting involved in gay murder scandals, I think the American people have a right to know that.

Long story short, the choir director, Donald Young, at Barack's anti-white hate church, Trinity United, was apparently gay and murdered.

Moreover, according to an anonymous "private investigator," "Donald Young was silenced because of something he knew about Obama." Larry Sinclair, the gay guy who says he did drugs with Obama right before they had sex, says that he was also connected to Donald Young and gave the police "shocking new evidence" linking Obama to the murder. Sinclair says that Young had "personal and intimate involvement" with B.O.

Now granted, this is the Globe and as such, I wouldn't give Larry Sinclair and their anonymous "private investigator" any more credence than I'd give say, John McCain if he said he wanted to close the border, but still. Obama has always struck me as a VERY feminine man, and since he's already confessed his drug use back in the day, and he belonged to that wacky church for twenty years, and had close ties to a criminal who's going up the river for the next twenty years, it's not that much of a stretch to think that he might have been involved in a little man lovin' back in the college years. Is Obama a gay, drug abusing Muslim murderer? Only the shadow knows.

It Had To Happen Sooner Or Later
What's Next? A Transvestite Sidekick?

Hydrocephalon, who has a debilitating case of Down Syndrome and must travel "at supersonic speeds" in a wheelchair, is a large-headed balding man with a protrusive gut and a tight blue suit. He often visits Gotham City, home to DC Comics superhero Batman, because the medical facilities in Gotham are first rate for a superhero "with special needs".

"You're my new sidekick," Bruce Wayne (Batman) exclaims to Hydrocephalon in the first issue, giving him a large piece of candy. "My new, special sidekick!"

"He shows our readership that even those of us who are stupid can make a positive difference in society," said DC spokesperson Lex Wonderbat. "It's not Hydro's -- that's what he's called, Hydro -- fault that he was born on an alien planet with this horrible, hideous disease. But he has overcome it to battle evil, and it's wonderful."

And battle evil he does. In the first issue, Hydro wages war with a large-lipped, black-skinned Gorilla-esque menace called "Jerome Washington", who is set on destroying the pristine suburban neighborhood of Hydro's parents -- a far cry, some might say, from Superman fighting super-criminals on where ever it is the nerds read about.

Mitch Henderson, another fan of Hydrocephalon practices his flying technique

"Well, we have to stick to some sort of reality," explained Wonderbat. "People will only buy the retarded superhero bit if it seems plausible."

Hydro's only weakness is a rare meteoric rock that fell to Earth with him, as well as loud noises and flashing lights. He also can't stop eating.

"We are so pleased with this development," said Janet Rosenblum, president of the National Down Syndrome Society (NDSS). "Hydro will serve as a strong role model for little Mongoloid children all around the world who will see that they, too, should not fear black people, but should fight against them."

And fight they will. According to a Harvard study, most mentally unstable or handicapped individuals do not understand pain. They are therefore uninhibited by normal physical limitations, making them more dangerous than all other sectors of humanity combined. It is this predisposition toward superhuman strength that inspired DC comics in the first place, though there are -- as of yet -- no retarded supervillains.

Many other Americans, however, were not so pleased with the announcement of Hydrocephalon's comic series.

"I'm sick and tired of this diversity crap," said an angry conservative. "Lesbians and blacks and retards are starting to take the place of just regular, normal people. It won't be long until decent Americans are minorities in their own culture, and we'll all be speaking Spanish. It started already when I saw some soft shell fixins tubes being sold as god damned Farjidas [sic]."

"I got a superhero -- Border Patrol Man," opined another. "He joins forces with the greatest superhero of all time, Amurican [sic] Troop Man, to protect us from Mexican migrants who want my job and healthcare and children."

But DC is trying to ignore the controversy and focus on storylines for the new hero. There is even talk that the new lesbian Batwoman may have an erotic threesome with Wonder Woman and Hydro in a later issue, but those rumors could not be confirmed.

In addition, not everyone is as shocked by Hydro's appearance as the majority of America. "This guy really is no surprise," said fifteen-year-old comic aficionado and local 10th-grader Derek Remen. "Aquaman is pretty retarded."