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Rigged Contest
Dec 21, 2007 | 11:18 AM PST
Category:
Entertainment
Rigged Contest
Two
guys went to a gas station that was holding a contest: a chance to win free sex
when you filled your tank.
They pumped their gas and went to
pay the attendant.
"I'm thinking of a number between
one and ten," he said. "If you guess right, you win free sex."
"Okay," agreed one of the guys, "I guess seven." "Sorry, I
was thinking of eight," replied the attendant.
The
next week they tried again. When they went to pay, the attendant told them to
pick a number. "Two!" said the second guy. "Sorry,
it's three, said the attendant. "Come back and try again."
As
they walked out to their car, one guy said to the other, "I think this contest
is rigged." "No way," said his buddy. "My wife won twice last
week."
This post has been edited by an administrator
A
first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.
The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your
problem?'
Harry
answered, 'I'm too
smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and
I'm
smarter
than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms.
Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's
office.
While
Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what
the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test.
If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade
and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were
explained to him and he
agreed
to take the test.
Principal:
'What is 3
x 3?'
Harry:
'9.'
Principal:
'What is 6 x
6?'
Harry:
'36.'
And
so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her,
'I think
Harry can go to the 3rd
grade.'
Ms.
Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some
questions.'
The
principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms.
Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have
four of that I have only two of?'
Harry,
after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms
Brooks: 'What is
in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The
principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry
replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms.
Brooks: 'What
does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry:
'Pants.'
Ms.
Brooks: What
starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious
and
contains
thin, whitish liquid?'
Harry:
'Coconut.'
The
principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms.
Brooks:
'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and
sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms.
Brooks: 'What
does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and
a
dog does
on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'
The
principal was trembling.
Ms.
Brooks: 'What
word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and
excitement?'
Harry:
'Firetruck.'
The
principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, 'Put
Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....'
Dear Meat
Dec 18, 2007 | 10:15 PM PST
Category:
Entertainment
A man kills a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his
wife decide that they won't tell the kids what kind of meat it is but will give
them a clue and let them guess. The kids were eager to know what
the meat was on their plates, so they begged their dad for the clue.
Well, he said, "it's what mommy calls me sometimes."
The little
girl screams to her brother,
"Don't eat it, it's an arse hole."
The Raise.
Dec 16, 2007 | 1:58 AM PST
Category:
Entertainment
The Maid asked for a
raise.
The Madam was very upset about this and asked: "Now Maria, why do
you want an increase?"
Maid: "Well Madam, there are three reasons
why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you."
Madam: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maid: "The Master
said so."
Madam: "Oh."
Maid: "The second reason is that I am a
better cook than you."
Madam: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook
than I?"
Maid: "The Master did."
Madam: "Oh."
Maid: "My
third reason is that I am a better lover than you."
Madam (very upset
now): "Did the Master say so as well?"
Maid: "No Madam, the gardener
did."
SHE GOT THE PAY RAISE..!
The Tiniest Cabin
Dec 16, 2007 | 1:55 AM PST
Category:
Entertainment
The Tiniest Cabin
Yankee from Michigan
was hiking through the mountains
of northern Georgia when he came upon
the tiniest cabin
he had ever seen in his life. Intrigued, he went up and
knocked on the door.
"Anybody home?" he
asked.
"Yep," came a kid's
voice through the door.
"Is your father there?"
asked the tourist. "Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma come in," said the
kid.
"Well, is your mother
there?" persisted the tourist. "Ma? Nope, she
left just afore I got here,"
said the kid. "But," protested the
Yankee, "are you never together as a
family?"
"Sure, but not here,"
said the kid thru the door.
"This is
the outhouse."
AARP.
Dec 2, 2007 | 12:17 PM PST
Category:
Entertainment
Coffee Machine.
Dec 2, 2007 | 12:09 PM PST
Category:
Entertainment
Coffee
Machine
This is
cute
1. CLICK ON
THE LINK - COFFEE
MACHINE
2. PUT THE
COIN IN THE VENDING MACHINE
3. PUSH BUTTON TO CHOOSE YOUR DRINK
4. CLICK
ON THE CUP WHEN IT IS READY
5. CLICK ON "APRI" (this one is very important, don't
forget
You Gotta Love Grandma
Nov 26, 2007 | 1:13 PM PST
Category:
Entertainment
A man came to visit his
grandparents, and he noticed
his grandfather sitting on the porch, in the
rocking
chair, wearing only a shirt, with nothing on from
the waist
down.
"Grandpa, what
are you doing? Your weenie is out in
the wind for everyone to see!" he
exclaimed.
The old man looked
off in the distance without
answering.
"Grandpa, what
are you doing sitting out here with
nothing on below the waist?" he asked
again..
The old man
slowly looked at him and said,
"Well....last
week I sat out here with no shirt on,
and I got a stiff neck. This is your
grandma's idea.
GROCERY SHOPPING:
Nov 19, 2007 | 10:04 PM PST
Category:
Entertainment
An old man was grocery shopping with his grandson.
The toddler was crying and at times screaming at the top of his lungs.
As the old gentleman walked up and down the aisles, people could hear
him speaking in a soft voice: "We're almost done, Albert". "Try not to
cry, Albert"."Life will get better, Albert"....
As he approached
the checkout stand, he carefully
brushed the toddler's tears from his eyes
and said again: "Try not to cry, Albert". "We will be home soon,
Albert".
As he was paying the cashier, the toddler continued to cry as
a young woman in line behind him said: "Sir, I think it is wonderful how
sweet you are being to your Little Albert".
The old gentleman blinked
his eyes a couple of times before saying "Miss, my grandson's name is John.
I'm Albert".
The Dog...
Nov 18, 2007 | 1:59 AM PST
Category:
Entertainment
A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom,
may I take the dog for a walk around the block?"
Mom replies, "No,
because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little
girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the
block?
I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to
you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked
it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it to disguise the
scent, and said "OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go
one time round the block."
The little girl left and returned a few
minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
( YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!! )
The little girl
said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is
pushing her home.
THE BOTTLE OF WINE
Oct 25, 2007 | 9:16 AM PST
Category:
Entertainment
For
all of us who are married, were married, wish
you were married, or wish you
weren't married, this
is something to smile about the next time you see
a
bottle of wine:
Sally was driving home from one of her
business
trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly
Navajo woman
walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one,
she stopped
the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like
a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into
the car.
Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make
a bit of small
talk with the Navajo woman. The old
woman just sat silently, looking intently
at
everything she saw, studying every little detail,
until she noticed a
brown bag on the seat next to
Sally
'What in bag?' asked the old
woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's
a bottle
of wine. I got it for my husband.'
The Navajo woman was silent for
another moment or
two.
Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an
elder,
she said:
'I'd say that was a Good trade.....'
Outsourcing
Oct 24, 2007 | 5:25 PM PST
Category:
Entertainment
The
Trouble with with Outsourcing
I
was depressed last night so I called Lifeline.
Got a call center in the
Middle East.
Told them I was suicidal.
They got all excited and asked if
I could fly a plane.
Halloween Story:
Oct 20, 2007 | 2:20 AM PST
Category:
Entertainment
A man is walking
home alone late one foggy night...
when
behind him he hears:
Bump...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Walking
faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright
casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward
him.
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
Terrified,
the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind
him
FASTER...
FASTER...
BUMP...
BUMP...
BUMP...
He
runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and
locks the door behind him.
However,
the casket crashes through his door, with the lid of the casket
clapping
clappity-BUMP...
clappity-BUMP..
clappity-BUMP...
on
his heels, the terrified man runs.
Rushing
upstairs to the bathroom, the man locks himself in. His heart is pounding; his
head is reeling; his breath is coming in sobbing
gasps.
With
a loud CRASH the casket breaks down the door.
Bumping
and clapping toward him.
The man screams and reaches for something,
anything,
but all he can find is a bottle of cough
syrup!
Desperate, he throws the cough syrup at the
casket...
AND
The
coffin stops
TEST:
Oct 18, 2007 | 5:57 PM PST
Category:
Entertainment
This really is pretty eerie! And very accurate, too. I didn't know these
kinds of tests existed. Hmmm, guess this one was contrived by a real
psychic!
High School Coolness
Test
This test is based on how cool you
were in High School - what crowd you ran with, etc., but it's still pretty
accurate. You may want to send it to your friends to see if they've
changed.
SEE IF YOU ARE STILL A COOL
PERSON:
http://www.elks590.org/main/cooltest.htm
Pilots:
Oct 18, 2007 | 5:31 AM PST
Category:
Entertainment
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of
Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline baggage.
An old pilot
is one who can remember when flying was dangerous and sex was
safe.
Airlines have really changed, now a flight attendant can get a
pilot pregnant.
Both optimists and pessimists contribute to the society.
The optimist invents the aeroplane, the pessimist the parachute.
If
helicopters are so safe, how come there are no
vintage/classic helicopter
fly-ins.
Death is just nature's way of telling you to watch
your airspeed or rotor RPM.
Real planes use only a single stick to
fly. This is why bulldozers & helicopters -- in that order -- need two."
There are only three things the copilot should ever say:
1. Nice
landing, Sir.
2. I'll buy the first round.
3. I'll take the ugly one.
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