Off-tha-wall

The maid asked for a raise.

The wife was very upset about this and asked: 'Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?'

Maria: 'Well Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase.  The first is that I iron better than you.'

Wife: 'Who said you iron better than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband said so.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.'

Wife: 'Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?'

Maria: 'Your husband did.'

Wife: 'Oh.'

Maria: 'My third reason is that I am a better lover than you.'

Wife (really furious now): 'Did my husband say that as well?'

Maria: 'No Señora, the gardener did.'

SHE GOT THE RAISE

 

> Subject: Thought you might want to read this
> To:
> Date: Sunday, July 27, 2008, 5:33 AM
> Hi Guys,
>
> This is from a friend whose son is stationed across seas
> and he writes
> about his experience of Obama. I know we all have our
> differences, but
> he felt it important to let others know of how the soldiers
> feel!
>
>
>
> --- I don't know each of your personal political
> convictions, and
> apologize if anyone finds this offensive. I thought it was
> important
> enough to share. This is Jeff's first hand view of
> Senator Obama.
>
> Hello everyone,
> As you know I am not a very
> political person. I
> just wanted to pass along that Senator Obama came to Bagram
> Afghanistan
> for about an hour on his visit to "The War Zone".
> I wanted to share with
> you what happened. He got off the plane and got into a
> bullet proof
> vehicle, got to the area to meet with the Major General (2
> Star) who is
> the commander here at Bagram.. As the Soldiers where lined
> up to shake
> his hand he blew them off and didn't say a word as he
> went into the
> conference room to meet the General. As he finished, the
> vehicles took
> him to the ClamShell (pretty much a big top tent that
> military personnel
> can play basketball or work out in with weights) so he
> could take his
> publicity pictures playing basketball. He again shunned the
> opportunity
> to talk to Soldiers to thank them for their service So
> really he was
> just here to make a showing for the American's back
> home that he is
> their candidate for
> President. I think that if you are going to make an effort
> to come all
> the way over here you would thank those that are providing
> the freedom
> that they are providing for you. I swear we got more thanks
> from the NBA
> Basketball Players or the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders than
> from one of
> the Senators, who wants to be the President of the United
> States . I
> just don't understand how anyone would want him to be
> our
> Commander-and-Chief. It was almost that he was scared to be
> around those
> that provide the freedom for him and our great country.
> If this is blunt and to the point I am
> sorry but I
> wanted you all to know what kind of caliber of person he
> really is. What
> you see in the news is all fake.
> In service,
> CPT Jeffrey S. Porter
> Battle Captain
> TF Wasatch
> American Soldier

Looks like a plan to me!!

   

       Definitions not

              in the dictionary 

ADULT:
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.

BEAUTY PARLOR:
A place where women curl up and dye.

CANNIBAL:
Someone who is fed up with people.

CHICKENS:
The only animals you eat before they are born
and after they are dead.

COMMITTEE:

A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

DUST:
Mud with the juice squeezed out.

EGOTIST:
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

HANDKERCHIEF:
Cold Storage.

INFLATION:
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.

MOSQUITO:
An insect that makes you like flies better.

RAISIN:
Grape with a sunburn.

SECRET:
Something you tell to one person at a time.

SKELETON:
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE:
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW:
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN:
An honest opinion openly expressed. 

 
WRINKLES:
Something other people have.
I have character lines

---

Subject: "The Axis of Idiots"
    AMEN...........talk about hitting the nail squarely on the head...................



      Subject: "The Axis of Idiots"  

 (Too bad we don't have folks on Capitol Hill willing to speak out like this. J.D. Pendry is a retired Marine Sergeant Major who writes for Random House. He seldom beats around the bush!)  

---

 "The Axis of Idiots"  

 
Jimmy Carter, you are the father of the Islamic Nazi movement. You threw the Shah under the bus, welcomed the Ayatollah home, and then lacked the spine to confront the terrorists when they took our embassy and our people hostage. You're the runner-in-chief.  

Bill Clinton, you played ring around the Lewinsky while the terrorists were at war with us. You got us into a fight with them in Somalia and then you ran from it. Your weak-willed responses to the U.S.S. Cole and the First Trade Center Bombing and Our Embassy Bombings emboldened the killers. Each time you failed to respond adequately, they grew bolder, until 9/11/2001.  

John Kerry, dishonesty is your most prominent attribute. You lied about American Soldiers in Vietnam. Your military service, like your life, is more fiction than fact. You've accused our military of terrorizing women and children in Iraq. You called Iraq the wrong war, wrong place, wrong time, the same words you used to describe Vietnam. You're a fake. You want to run from Iraq and abandon the Iraqis to murderers just as you did the Vietnamese. Iraq, like Vietnam, is another war that you were for, before you were against it.  

 John Murtha, you said our military was broken. You said we can't win militarily in Iraq. You accused United States Marines of cold- blooded murder without proof and said we should redeploy to Okinawa. Okinawa, John? And the Democrats call you their military expert! Are you sure you didn't suffer a traumatic brain injury while you were off building your war hero resume? You're a sad, pitiable, corrupt and washed up politician. You're not a Marine, sir. You wouldn't amount to a good pimple on a real Marine's BLEEP. You're a phony and a disgrace. Run away, John.  

 Dick Durbin, you accused our Soldiers at Guantanamo of being Nazis, tenders of Soviet style gulags and as bad as the regime of Pol Pot, who murdered two million of his own people after your party abandoned Southeast Asia to the Communists. Now you want to abandon the Iraqis to the same fate. History was not a good teacher for you, was it? Lord help us! See Dick run.  

 Ted Kennedy, for days on end you held poster-sized pictures from Abu Ghraib in front of any available television camera. Al Jazeera quoted you saying that Iraqi's torture chambers were open under new management. Did you see the news, Teddy? The Islamic Nazis demonstrated another beheading for you. If you truly supported our troops, you'd show the world poster-sized pictures of that atrocity and demand the annihilation of it. Your legislation stripping support from the South Vietnamese led to a communist victory there. You're a bloated, drunken fool bent on repeating the same historical blunder that turned freedom-seeking people over to homicidal, genocidal maniacs. To paraphrase John Murtha, all while sitting on your wide, gin-soaked rear-end in Washington.  

 Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, Carl Levine, Barbara Boxer, Diane Feinstein, Russ Feingold, Hillary Clinton, Pat Leahy, Barack Obama, Chuck Schumer, the Hollywood Leftist morons, et al, ad nauseam: Every time you stand in front of television cameras and broadcast to the Islamic Nazis that we went to war because our President lied, that the war is wrong and our Soldiers are torturers, that we should leave Iraq, you give the Islamic butchers - the same ones that tortured and mutilated American Soldiers - cause to think that we'll run away again, and all they have to do is hang on a little longer. It is inevitable that we, the infidels, will have to defeat the Islamic jihadists. Better to do it now on their turf, than later on ours after they have gained both strength and momentum.  

American news media, the New York Times particularly: Each time you publish stories about national defense secrets and our intelligence gathering methods, you become one united with the sub-human pieces of camel dung that torture and mutilate the bodies of American Soldiers. You can't strike up the courage to publish cartoons, but you can help Al Qaeda destroy my country. Actually, you are more dangerous to us than Al Qaeda is. Think about that each time you face Mecca to admire your Pulitzer.   You are America's "AXIS OF IDIOTS." Your Collective Stupidity will destroy us. Self-serving politics and terrorist-abetting news scoops are more important to you than our national security or the lives of innocent civilians and Soldiers. It bothers you that defending ourselves gets in the way of your elitist sport of politics and your ignorant editorializing. There is as much blood on your hands as is on the hands of murdering terrorists. Don't ever doubt that. Your frolics will only serve to extend this war as they extended Vietnam. If you want our Soldiers home as you claim, knock off the crap and try supporting your country ahead of supporting your silly political aims and aiding our enemies.   Yes, I'm questioning your patriotism. Your loyalty ends with self. I'm also questioning why you're stealing air that decent Americans could be breathing. You don't deserve the protection of our men and women in uniform. You need to run away from this war, this country. Leave the war to the people who have the will to see it through and the country to people who are willing to defend it.  

 No, Mr. President, you don't get off the hook, either. Our country has two enemies: Those who want to destroy us from the outside and those who attempt it from within. Your Soldiers are dealing with the outside force. It's your obligation to support them by confronting the AXIS OF IDIOTS.   America must hear it from you that these self-centered people are harming our country, a betting the enemy and endangering our safety.   Well up a little anger, please, and channel it toward the appropriate target. You must prosecute those who leak national security secrets to the media. You must prosecute those in the media who knowingly publish those secrets.   Our Soldiers need you to confront the enemy that they cannot. They need you to do it now. 

 
Semper Fi,       J. D. Pendry - Sergeant Major, USMC, Retired    

 To Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They Want Fries with that .

 4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It 'In.'

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

 6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write 'For Smuggling Diamonds'.

7. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The Prophecy.'

8. Don t use any punctuation.

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.
10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat...use a serious face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go.'

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme.

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance , Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Coworkers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock Bottom..

17.. When The Money Comes Out of The ATM, Scream 'I Won!, I Won!'!

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot, Yelling, 'Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!'

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

 

 




 
 
Blonde Cookbook



It's fun to cook for Tom. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe said beat 12 eggs separately. The neighbors were nice enough to loan me some extra bowls.


Tom wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said serve without dressing. So I didn't dress.  What a surprise when Tom brought a friend home for supper




A good day for rice. The recipe said wash thoroughly before steaming the rice. It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath anyway.  I can't say it improved the rice any.




Today Tom asked for salad again I tried a new recipe. It said prepare ingredients; lay on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving.  Tom asked me why I was rolling around in the garden..




I found an easy recipe for cookies. It said put the ingredients in a bowl and beat it. There must have been something wrong with this recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.



Tom did the shopping today and brought home a chicken. He asked me to dress it for Sunday.  I don't have any clothes that fit it, and for some reason Tom keeps counting to ten.




Tom's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast but all I had was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.. I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast. It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.




GOOD NIGHT DEAR DIARY. This has been a very exciting week! I am eager for tomorrow to come so I can try out a new recipe on Tom. If I can talk Tom into buying a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with a chocolate moose.
 
                                ****************
 
Big Joe gets in the act:


A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's

a 'peel and win' sticker on her coffee cup.



So she peels it off and starts screaming,

'I've won a motorhome!    

I've won a motorhome!'



The waitress says, 'That's impossible.

The biggest prize is a free Lunch.?'



But the blonde keeps on screaming,

'I've won a motorhome!

I've won a motorhome!'



Finally, the manager comes over and says,

'Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken.

You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome

because we didn't have that as a prize



The blonde says, 'No, it's not a mistake.

I've won a motorhome!'



And she hands the ticket to the

manager and HE reads...




       'W I N A B A G E L' 


 

---

My grandson is a natural on his sk8board!

 

Sharp right!

 

 

This boy has got it goin' on!

Fixin' to git it!

 

 

 

Driving in Dallas,Texas

First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is DAL-LUS, or DAA-LIS depending on if you live inside or outside LBJ Freeway.

Next, if your Mapsco is more than a few weeks old, throw it out and buy a new one. If in Denton County and your Mapsco is one-day-old, then it is already obsolete. Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere.  (Frisco has screwed everything up.)

Dallas has its own version of traffic rules...   "Hold on and pray." There is no such thing as a dangerous high-speed chase in Dallas . We all drive like that.

All directions start with, "Get on Beltline," which has no beginning and no end. (It REALLY DOESN'T!!!)

The morning rush hour is from 6 to 10. The evening rush hour is from 3 to 7. Friday's rush hour starts Thursday morning.

If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear-ended, cussed out and possibly shot.  When you are the first one on the starting line, count to five when the light turns green before going to avoid crashing with all the drivers running the red light in cross-traffic.

Construction on Central Expressway is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment. We had sooo much fun with that, we have added George Bush Freeway and the High Five to the mix.

All unexplained sights are explained by the phrase, "Oh, we're in Fort Worth !"

If someone actually has his or her turn signal on, it is probably a factory defect. Car horns are actually "Road Rage" indicators - and remember, it's legal to be armed in Texas ..

All old ladies with blue hair in a Mercedes have the right of way. Period. And remember, it's legal to be armed in Texas ..

Inwood Road, Plano Road, NW Highway, East Grand, Garland Road, Marsh Lane, Josey Lane, 15th Street, Preston Road all mysteriously change names as you cross intersections (these are only a FEW examples). The
perfect example is what is MOSTLY known as Plano Road . On the south end, it is known as Lake Highlands Drive, cross Northwest Highway and it becomes Plano Road, go about 8 miles and it is briefly Greenville Ave,
Ave K, and Highway 5.  It ends in Sherman ...

The North Dallas Tollway is our daily version of NASCAR. The minimum acceptable speed on the Dallas North Toll Road is 85 mph. Anything less is considered downright sissy. It also ends in Sherman .

If asking directions in Irving or SE Dallas , you must have knowledge of Spanish.  If in central Richardson or on Harry Hines, Mandarin Chinese will be your best bet. If you stop to ask directions on Gaston or Live Oak, you better be armed... and remember, it's legal to be armed in Texas

The wrought iron on windows near Oak Cliff and Fair Pa rk is not ornamental!!

A trip across town east to west will take a minimum of four hours, although many north/south freeways have unposted minimum speeds of 75.

It is possible to be driving WEST in the NORTH-bound lane of EAST NORTHWEST Highway. Don't let this confuse you.

LBJ is called "The Death Trap" for two reasons: "death" and "trap."

If it's 100 degrees, Thanksgiving must be next weekend. If it's 10 degrees and sleeting/snowing, the Fort Worth Stock Show is going on. If it has rained 6 inches in the last hour, the Byron Nelson Golf Classic is in the second round (if it's Spring) - and it is the Texas State Fair if it's Fall.

If you go to the Fair, pay the $8.00 to park INSIDE Fair Park . Parking elsewhere could cost up to $2500 for damages, towing fees, parking tickets, and possibly a gunshot wound.  If some guy with a flag tries to get you to park in his yard, run over him.

Any amusement parks, stadiums, arenas, racetracks, airports, etc., are conveniently located as far away from EVERYTHING as possible so as to allow for ample parking on grassy areas.

Final Warning: Don't Mess With Texas Drivers ... remember, it's legal to Be armed in Texas..!

 

If Hillary had HER way.....

                       

 This photo was hand selected by Rosie  for use in her " Desperate for a Date" portfolio.

Good choice, Rosie!   ( grunt, grunt! )

OBAMA IN DA HOUSE!!

click link for more!    

 http://community.myfoxdfw.com/photos/viewalbum.a
spx?aid=21671&un=TwisttedSistter

                                                    
        

Malcolm Forbes:

The dumbest people I know are those who know it all.

Abraham Lincoln (attributed):

'Tis better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.

-->Albert Einstein:

Great ideas often receive violent opposition from mediocre minds.

Edwin Land:

Creativity is the sudden cessation of stupidity.

Sam Levenson:

It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and say the opposite.

 Bertrand Russell:

 Most people would die sooner than think; in fact, they do.

             When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around., but when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years.

                          (Mark Twain)

" We will be a cannibal for our actions" .......

"Life is just Ebola cherries" ......