honkytonktaxi's Blog

well,...I had alot more to tell here,.
however it seems that I have alot of people against me.
So I think I will just quit writing.
Back when i first started this thing,..I didnt do it to get abunch of insults thrown at me.
However I want to say this.
All of you are looking at this from the outside,..try to put yourself in my place.
I know Sandy made a mistake,...she was about to lose her house and she paniced
Dumb mistake yes,...but i did blame that on myself.
I still consider her to be family
Also,..I have no intention of hurting Pam,..she is the sweetest lady I have ever met.
So I have no Idea what to do,...and I guess yall will never know.

But I wanted to say thank you to deyangis_girl.

you are the only one who hasnt said something bad to me and what you said
is excatly what I Intend to do.

The next day,.........
after I hung up from Sandy...   Pam asked me what we said to each other.
I just told her,..I was seeing if she was ok. But Pam looked worried now.
I said everything was ok,...
But still.......I had a question,...to myself.
Sandy had asked me to come back to her.
I had to search my heart,.......and soul,.........and level of forgiveness for her.
You see,...back when this first happened,..and I was living at my daughters.
The most painful thing that was in my mind, was the memories I had to deal with.
There was 9 years of them.  The things we did,...the places we went,...the people we knew.
Her voice,.....the sound of her laughter. It all just echoed in my mind now.
So as I looked around at where I was and saw my broken leg stretched out on the couch before me.
And saw my crutches laying on the floor next to me,...the cluttered apartment,..and sound of a baby crying.
I felt so alone. I knew my 9 years,..was in the past. My life that I had just a few days ago was over.
All I could do now was cope with my current situation and knew I was alone in it.
I guess that's why I just buried it all,..I couldn't deal with the memories and my current situation all at once.
So now,......6 months later. When she sounded so sad,..so scared and alone.
It all came rushing back.
At the same time,...my current concern was Pam.
How can I just walk out on this angel?
Do I even want to?
I had just learned that all the memories,...and that life I had,....I could have back.
All I had to do to get it,..was make all the romantic e-mails,..all the promises I gave to Pam,.. into a lie.
But,..there was just no way I could do that,..and I knew that.
So,..as I'm looking at her. I am now being faced with..............thinking about all of this.

One of the things Pam and I enjoy doing so much,..is on the weekends.
We stay up late at night and play poker on the Internet.
Pam is very good at it and wins alot.
She has taught me how to do that,..and now I win alot.Its fun to do.
We don't bet alot of money so we don't win alot,..but we do come out ahead all the time.
Its just a pastime. But it is fun.,.Then one night,...I got an invite on my IM,.messenger program.
It was from Sandy.  She requested to be added. I went ahead and said yes.
And the next thing I knew,..there was an IM window open, with Sandy in it.
She was asking what we're doing tonight.
I just said playing cards. Pam was right there,..so nothing was being hidden.
Then Pam and Sandy began talking in it.
Mostly......pleasantries,..but I knew there was alot more that wasn't being said.
I felt so bad for Sandy,..because I knew she was at home,..alone. On Friday night.
I wanted to be with her. I wanted to comfort her,..and tell her everything will be ok.
But how can I tell Pam that. How can I show that to Sandy without Pam seeing.
Evidently,..I had forgiven her,...I mean there was actually nothing to forgive
because as I  already said,..I blamed it all on myself anyway.
Sandy just panicked and didn't know what else to do.
I knew that back then and that was another aspect of it all that hurt to think about.
Sandy and Pam went on talking as if they had known each other for years.
I closely watched,..just to make sure everyone was being nice.
Then Sandy asked,..."so what are yall doing? "
Pam replied "kissing and hugging" I snapped at Pam and said "why did you say that"
Pam's expression was a little surprised to see me take up for Sandy. But I knew that had hurt her.
There was silence in the IM box now. I knew Sandy was hurt by that.
After a few minutes Sandy wrote back,...something to change the subject,..then they went on again
talking the same pleasantries as before.
Later that night Pam was sleepy and went to bed. I wasn't,.. because the beer keeps me awake
deep into the night.
I came back in, to play more cards,..then the IM box opened again.
Sandy asked,.."who is this?"  I responded,.." Eric "
She said," are you done kissing and hugging?" I said,."I'm sorry about that,.she was just being mean"
Sandy asked" why does she do that Eric?" I said " I think she feels threatened by you Sandy"
She wrote again " does she know I want you back?" I said " well,..she probably figures you do"
Sandy continued to ask me if I was coming back to her,.....
I found myself,..not saying yes,..but not saying no either. All I could say,..and keep saying was "I'm here,..
This is where I am" besides I asked,.."isn't your ex still living there?"
She said " He's never here,...I don't want him here when he is"
Once again,..I didn't know how to respond,..I didn't want to make any promises nor obligate myself.
It scared me to think of her getting him to move out,..on my behalf.
Over the next few weeks,.the same things continued to happen,..the IM conversations went on,...but
Sandy would e-mail me during the day,..and continue to tell me how much she wanted me back,
promising to be a better wife if she could only have the chance to.
I said to her,.." Sandy,..I've heard you say this before" Her response,..."yes I know,...but all these months without you,.has taught me what you really mean to me,..its just been so painful,......I know,....I need you back in my life and If you will just give me one more chance,..I'll never hurt you again,..I promise"
These words,..are so hard to hear. They seriously interfere with my new life here.
They make me question where I want to be,..but I do know,..if I left and went back to Sandy,..I would be miserable missing Pam,..and knowing that I wrecked her life,..yet,..here with Pam,..I am miserable missing Sandy......there just seems to be no way to go,...without hurting somebody that I care very much for,..and in the mean time,..I'm gonna hurt regardless of what I do.
In the mean time,..I had to hide all this confusion to Pam,.....then one day,..I let it slip.
We were out in the car on the highway,..Pam asked,.."so,.have you gotten an e-mail from Sandy lately?"
I hesitated ,..but then said " yes "  "what did she say?" asked Pam,...
I just told her she still wants me back.......Pam's eyes cut through me,...her expression was hard.
"what did you tell her?" she asked,..I said " I just told her,..that I'm here"
Pam asked again,.."Eric,..do you want her back?"
Once again,..I hesitated,..then said " Pam,...I do wish I could have my life with her back,..I miss it so much,...but I'm here with you now." Pam's expression,..went from hard,..to hurt and shock.
I felt so bad about what I had said,.but there was no way to cover it up. I already said it.
Pam asked me then,.."So,..are you gonna?" I just said " No"
But ever since that day,..even now,..Pam hasn't had the glow that I brought her in the beginning.
I just wish that I can give it back to her one day,..when this is all over,....however it ends.
Then one Friday night,..Sandy's ex was in town and at the house with Sandy.
Sandy had already told me that during these months he's been there,..they have never slept together,..she said he refused to as long as we were still married. I really don't know if I believed that or not,..but I know
Sandy has never been a lair. She has always been very honest regardless of the outcome.
Pam and Sandy were talking on the IM,.."where's your ex?" Pam asked. "he's in the living room,..sleeping on the couch where he sleeps" said Sandy.
Pam thought a minute then asked again,.."don't you love him Sandy?" Sandy's response,..."No I don't,...I really just need him gone because I never really wanted him here,..all I can think about is how much I miss Eric".
That comment passed in the conversation and I didn't think much of it,..then the night passed as it always does.
The next day,..I got an e-mail from Sandy,..she said that she left that IM window open all night and her ex wandered in there and read the whole conversation,..and was now,..................moving out.
...........................to be continued

ok here it is,...
I am so sorry for the delay in this next chapter.
But I have been trying to figure out how to word this right.
How to make it entertaining,..or at least make it where you can
continue to follow it without boredom.
I hope I am but if not I do apologize.
Well,....as I mentioned,..the day I moved in here was very nice.
I am going to go ahead and start using names....unlike I have been doing.
Her name is Pam,.....I call her angel.
Pam,..had been trying to figure out a way to ease the Idea of me moving in to her daughter.
At first,..she didn't like the Idea,..but her and I,..did meet a few times before and I really
liked the little 9 year old,..and I think she took a liking to me to.
On the day,...I moved in,..I pulled up in the driveway with my car loaded down,...and Pam
was out with her daughter waiting for me.
they both approached my car,...and the daughter said.  "you can move in now"
Man,........that made me feel so good to hear that.
It has been so long since I felt so welcome,..since I felt like someone wanted me around.
I just knew this is where I am supposed to be now.
Well,.....this day was a Friday. We had fun over the weekend as we always do.
we are so compatible,...during the weeks that I was still at the dog house,..after I met her,..we spent so much time talking either on the phone or the computer,..
we discovered sooooooo many things how we were just alike.
I mean sooooo many things,..it was almost scary at times.
I would say something,..then Pam would say,..."alright how did you know I was just about to say that"
That happened more than once,..it happened allot.
In fact,..it seemed to be a regular occurrence.
There was just so many things also that she likes to do that I do as well.
Also,..we would just talk for so long. It became obvious that we were wasting time,..not being together.
That was why she finally decided for me to move in.And I couldn't wait.
Now,..I was here. Not even sure about anything else.......job,.......the condition of my still sore leg.
But I was here,..with her. That,..seemed to be clear and what everyone wanted.
Then at the end of that weekend,..Sunday night,..my cell phone rang.
 I answered,.......The voice I heard on the other end was shaky,...familiar,....and it scared me.
It caught me off guard,.
It was her,.......my ex.  The one that kicked me out. Her name is Sandy.
This is why I am using names now,..I didn't want to just say,...girl 1 or girl 2.
Anyway,..it was Sandy,...my ex. Actually we are still married,..we never got divorced.
I kept expecting to see papers sent to me over those months but It never happened.
I was curious why,...now I know.
Sandy spoke in a scared,..crying voice. "Eric"...she said.
"I'm so sorry to bother you,..but there's something I need to say"
"yes,..what is it" I said,......a long pause,...then she said " Eric,......ok,..you got me"  "huh?" I answered.
She continued " Eric,..I'm so miserable without you,.....I know,..I caused all of this and I'm so sorry,...it was all a mistake"  I stood there,....just in shock. I always knew that she was so scared about money problems. And I know I didn't make good money,..so she was always scared about losing that house she's had for 20 years.
She continued again " I have a confession to make",...."yes,...go on" I said.
"I been reading you're e-mails to Pam" ......."YOU BEEN DOING WHAT?" I said,.....
It seems that she still had my password from when we were together,..I never thought to change it because I didn't think she cared about anything I was doing. "I have read everything you and Pam have been saying to each other,.....and Its just hurts sooo much" I was even more in shock over this,..I didn't know what to say,
and in the mean time,..Pam was sitting there in front of me.
Listening to my reactions and seeing my shocked expressions.
"well Sandy" I said,..." you shouldn't have been doing that".......
I know that I,...am a romantic type of man,...the e-mails that Pam and I have been sending to each other,..were very romantic in nature,...also there were many, many,..many of them.
that's all we did over those weeks and months,..everyday,..all day long.
Sandy read allot.....My shock continued.
Then Sandy said " This Just hurts so much,..can you say something to make me hate you"
There was nothing I could say,..I thought she already did hate me.
After all,...she kicked me out right after I broke my leg,,..then moved in her ex husband.
That kinda spelled hate to me,...or at least I don't give a crap about you.
I said,.."Sandy,..I just don't know what to say,..you shouldn't have been reading those e-mails,..they were private between Pam and I"   " I know" she said,......."I have not even been able to sleep in months without you"
In the nine years that I have been with her,....I have never seen her take as much as an aspirin for a headache.
Or a cold pill for a cold,....she just didn't believe in ever taking a pill of any kind for anything.
Then she said,..." I took 6 sleeping pills,..but still can't sleep"
"SIX SLEEPING PILLS!!!" I said,........"why did you do that?",....
My shock then turn into fear,...for her,...I said,....." Sandy,...go to bed and get some sleep"
Then I remembered,...."wait",....I've seen movies,..I've seen TV,...
I corrected myself,....I said,.."Sandy,...no,..don't go to bed,...go sit on the couch and turn on the TV"
But she just continued to cry to me about how lonely and scared she was,...and how much she missed me and wished to God that
she had never done that to me.
Finally,..I had an Idea,...I told her that I needed to go for a few minutes but I would call her back.
I finally convinced her to go watch TV until I called her.
She hung up,......I then called her sister who lives just a few miles away and told her what Sandy had done.
It was late,..and she was asleep but I insisted she go.
She was very mad about it,..but finally she said she would go. I knew that she had a key to her house.
It was either that or I was calling an ambulance and I didn't know if Sandy would be able to answer the door to them.
I hung up again,...I then sat next to Pam on the bed,...and looked at her.
Pam said,.."what's wrong with her?" I said,..." She said she misses me and took abunch of pills"
"Is she trying to Kill herself?" Pam asked......."No" I said,..."she's just trying to get em to work I guess"
I really didn't think she was trying that,...but as I mentioned,..she's never taken a pill in the 9 years I've known her,.....
And I wasn't sure her resistance was up to 6 pills.
I layed down like it was over with,...but it wasn't over,...and it began to grow in my mind about what all she said to me.
I still couldn't believe all this,...all the sudden.
Here,..in my new life.
The next day,..I called Sandy to see how she was "well",..she said "as well as can be expected I guess"I said,..
"I just don't understand why you did that,...I don't understand what your doing here"....she said,.." Eric,...I just miss you so much,..and I need
you to come back",...Still confused,..I said "but,..you got your ex husband there,..the last I heard you were so happy that
he was there,..paying bills,..yall were making plans to get married and gonna go on a cruise"
She said,.."where did you hear that"...."I just heard it" I said,..I didn't really want to go into it,..but that is what i heard
back when I was still living at my daughters."
"well" she said,..."he's only here about 3 days out of the month,....I don't want him here anyway. Your my husband and i want our
life back together"
I'm starting to get a little mad about this,.........I said "Sandy,..do you know what I have been through in the past 5 months?"
"Its only been 4 months " she said. "Ummm no" I said,......."well whatever it was,...do you know what I've been through,..
why didn't you contact me all this time,..do you know how bad I needed to hear from you?,....from anybody?"
She answered,..."I just didn't think you wanted anything to do with me."
"well Sandy,...i'm here,..this is where I live now".........
Then we said goodbye,.......and hung up.

Let me step back from the story for a second and say this,...once again.
I know,..she did this terrible thing to me,..I know she kicked me out,..with a freshly broken leg in the middle of the winter,..and put me in a terrible place to deal with it.
But I've also known,..ever since I met her,...that she's always been all about money. No,..not a gold digger,..but the most Important thing to her is just
financial security. I know that's Important to everybody. So,...for that I've never blamed her for wanting to just be happy and not have to worry about living,...paying bills,..losing her house and so forth.
I know,..that's just a natural thing and like I said,..everybody needs to feel financially stable.
And I also know that she,..places that need over anything,...knowing that,..I went into a relationship with her and yes,...even married her.
So,. Even though I went through the biggest hardship,..I've ever faced,..I never really blamed it on her. Yes,..she didn't have to kick me out on the street right after I broke my leg,...but that's just her,..and I knew that from the start,..so like I said,..I never blamed her and always
just considered it my fault. 
I also knew that she did love me,..or she wouldn't have ever married me,...and I actually felt bad for her.
You see,..even though I was working at the time all that happened. The job I was at paid very little,..and she had gotten 3 months behind on her house payment,
and was being forced to live off her credit cards............once again,..my fault.
So,..when she finally did contact me,.........I just didn't know what to say.
Especially hearing all this emotion from her now.
I never really dealt with my emotions of all this,..
I didn't even know it all that time,..but hearing her voice now,...
I realized I had just buried it all. not dealt with it,..not grieved and not gotten over her.

well,..I thought I could cover all this in one final chapter,..but I see I was wrong,..there is much much more to come,..
I'm thinking another 3 chapters at least,.....believe me,..there is allot more to this.
I also know I said I wanted advice,..but not just yet.
Because there is so much more to tell,...
Including,.............
A very akward cookout,....and a pregnancy test------pending.
remember,..this is a true story
............................................to be continued.

Hello again,..

Ok let me make this statement to anyone concerned.

I know I talk about drinking allot,..but my drinking is not a problem.

I only drink beer,..then just a few at a time and even then only on weekends.

Believe me,...I listen only to old country music.

I know the evils of drinking and what it can do.

But just like drugs,....I grew up with that all around me,..and knew at an early

age that I had to beware of it,....I treat drinking the same way and always have.

There are people I knew growing up that didn't.

Some are now dead,..and others look that way.

But thank you for your concern.

Ok,...on with the story.

As I said,..I put this ad out on craigslist.

Mainly,..just out of boredom,..not really expecting it to amount to anything.

But I did get a few responses,..mostly people agreeing with me

at my point of how people are always so shallow.

Holding in high regard,..the issues of status,..money,..materiel, and letting that be a judge over a relationship.
I talked to a few of them. Just a few times.
There was this one girl,.
I told her that I drank beer.,...she asked me how much.
It didn't matter if I said 1,...or 10.
Her response was,..."ok,..I'll let you have two"
I thought,....uhhh   NO.
I'm an adult.
That correspondence fizzled.
After a week or so,..I forgot about the ad I placed.
But then I got one last e-mail.
The first thing that really stuck out to me,..
is that she said she wasn't really looking for a relationship.
That's cool,..I thought,..If I remembered in the ad I mentioned don't contact me.
Still,....when you have a girl tell you that,..its kinda like
when the girl of your dreams calls you...."friend material".
Still I read on. Then she mentioned a few other things that I related to.
Just some of the same " bad habits " I have.
I know that doesn't really seem Important to anyone except those of us who have them.
Believe me,..Its Important.
Then she mentioned something else that really caught my attention.
She said,..she was a very passive type of person,..who never argued.
She held relationships in a very high regard,...and a loyalty for family above all else.
I'm afraid she had me there,.......she didn't even send a picture.
However,..  I still had no confidence in anyone liking me, because of my situation.
But even with that,....she was saying all the right things.
I responded,......But I'm afraid I responded with a bit of an attitude of spite.
Later,..I regretted doing that,..but I just didn't want to set myself up for another disappointment.
Still,..she wrote back,...and this time,..sounded very Interested in me.
And sent her picture.
I couldn't believe it. She was a very beautiful girl.
Well,..long story short,...we continued to e-mail for awhile,..
then moved to messenger and would stay up long hours talking.
Then talked on the phone,..again,..for long hours.
We came across, sooooooooooooo many things that we have in common.
Until the day came,...we agreed to meet for lunch.
She works downtown and I caught the train, and went there to meet her.
I was even more surprised when she popped out of the building I waited by.
She was really a beautiful girl.
Two years younger than me.
About 5'9,...Long,..beautiful,..but untamed hair...( I like that ) he he.
Green eyes,....very nice figure.
Lunch went well,..for two people who just met for the first time,..
and then stuffed their faces full of food while trying to learn of each others looks.
Soon,.I was back on the train, headed for home,..but I was really happy
for the first time since I can remember.
She knew of my situation,...and status,...or the lack thereof. And didn't care.
She seemed to like me. I was so surprised to have met someone like that,..after
all the relationship that were so unlike her, that I have been through.
Well,...Long story short again,.......the talking continued for a couple of months.
After another lunch meeting,...a few weeks after,..we decided I would come out to her home for a weekend.
She even drove to my house and picked me up.
I just couldn't believe this girl. I was so happy to know her.
When we arrived,...It was a trailer home,..in a trailer park. I didn't care.
I've actually seen some pretty nice trailer homes.
I walked in,..saw some clutter here and there,...a pile of cloths ready for the wash.
I saw some art she does as a hobby hanging on the walls.
I saw a little miniature Chihuahua. I call it a little bug eyed alien looking dog.
It wasn't fancy,..It wasn't enormous,...I looked around...................
I LOVED IT.
I met her daughter,..and a few neighbors.. I saw the lamp that was behind
her in the picture that she sent me and got the same feeling as if you saw a picture of
a very nice place you'd really like to go,..then suddenly stepped into the picture,...and was there.
I felt so relaxed,..finally. To be away from the doghouse.
It was just heaven to me,....we enjoyed the weekend and each others company.
sooooo much,.......then,....the weekend was over.
I rode into town with her,...then caught the train back home,.....back to the kennel in which I lived.
After another week of talking to her,..endless hours on the phone.
I returned to spend another weekend with her.
I was so happy there. Even she commented on how relaxed I seemed there,...
Than when I was at the other house. Its kind of out in the country and there's a
possum that comes up on the front porch at night to raid the cat food dishes.
Even though her and her daughter are scared to death of it,....I even LOVE that thing.
Of coarse it never gets close to either of us,..but that's ok,..I don't love it that much.
Then,..the day came,..the suggestion that I move in came up.
Even with me,... without a job,.....she didn't care.
This girl is an absolute angel.
Some of the things we learned about each other over these months,..is that she was
in some abusive relationships herself.
I mean physically abusive. How some guy could be that way to her,..to this angel...I just don't understand.
She said I just need some healing time for my leg.
Let me change the subject a minute.
My father as I have mentioned was an ace mechanic,..when he was alive he always had several
cars that were projects around the house.
There was one last car there now. All the time I was there I had been looking at that car.
But it had some problems and needed registration and inspecting.
I talked it over with my mother,..and she decided to help me get it running and legal.
I now,...am more in debt to her,..but after a week or so,...It was running and ready
for me to drive,...legal.
I drove it straight to her house with all my stuff and moved in.
I just couldn't believe my sudden turn of luck.
I already felt so much love for this girl. And she did for me as well.
We both feel like we have known each other for years.
Then,...that first weekend when I moved in... ... ... ... ... .............my cell phone rang.
Well,...........If there was anything that could make this all turn bad again.
If there was,.....one thing.......
It would be with that phone call.
And you will find out when this is,..
......................to be continued.

Hello again.

I think it was around April that I decided I had had enough of the crutches.
I laid them down,.......It did hurt to walk without them, but I could do it with a heavy limp.
If I walked down to the store,..or the bar,..sometimes I went ahead and used them,.
But sometimes I didn't.
Sometimes I would get halfway to where I was going and really need them.
Once I remember I was crossing the main road I had to cross,..and under-judged how close the traffic was that was heading towards me.
So I ended up having to run for it.
It was more like a running hop. But once again,..I felt like I was providing entertainment for people in cars.
Anyway,...One day,.I was walking to the store,..when about halfway there. A pack of dogs came running out at me in full attack mode.
I didn't have my crutches so all I could do was yell,..and swing my fist at them.
That seemed to be enough because I never got bit,..but they did try for a few minutes,..then finally,..all ran off.
However,.in doing that,..my leg was hurting bad because I had to stand in a way that
didn't agree with it.
Also,..when the dogs ran off,..a guy came out of his house that I was in front of,..to see what I was yelling for.
I said,."didn't you see that pack of dogs that was attacking me?"
He looked up the street to see them running off,..but still said "no".
As I collapsed onto the yard next to me, and grabbed my pounding leg.
If I had of had the crutches,..at least I would have had a better means of defense.
Anyway,..onto another subject.
I was registered on a singles website,...and began getting letters from Interested girls.
I didn't know why I put myself on there,..because anytime I wrote to one,..and explained I had no car,..living at mom's,........well,...you know the rest,..... right?
Still,...I enjoyed the letters,..however short their Interest lasted.
I finally met a girl,..who lives in east Texas.
That was safe because she didn't expect me to come pick her up.
So we would chat into the night,........ alot.
We kept each other company,..however,..if I went to the bar,..she would be mad at me when I got back home.
She would know I was there because,..if I wasn't on line,..she would know I went there.
I just thought it was funny that she got mad about it,..but it actually felt good to get griped at by a girl. I guess it had been too long.

One night,..while at the bar. I believe it was a Wednesday.. about midnight.
There was only about 4 or 5 people there. And I was sitting alone,..at the bar.
Watching the TV that hung over the liqueur bottles.
Suddenly,..once again. An attractive girl climbed up on the barstool next to me.
I glanced her way,..and she said "I think  I recognize you" I said,.."ok"
She said,." I think I talked to you here,..about a year ago"
I knew it wasn't me,..because a year ago I wasn't going in there.
I was safely tucked away in Duncanville.
But still,..I wasn't going to disagree with her. She was a little Spanish girl,..very attractive,.
about 120 lbs,..5 '6,.. Long dark hair,..very pretty. I said,.."sure"
We talked for quite awhile,...Still,...knowing what I do,..about bars,..and my luck.
I just kept the expectations light.
About 2,..they turned on the lights and told us it was closing time.
The girl then said,.."can I ask you a favor?" "sure",...
She ask "can you give me a ride home?" My jaw dropped. I was silent for a second then said "this is a nightmare"  She asked,.."its a nightmare,..because I asked for a ride home?"   "No" I said...."Its a nightmare,..because I don't have a car"
I watched for her reaction,..and it wasn't hard to spot it.
"YOU DON'T HAVE A CAR !!!!!!! " she yelled. she then got off the stool and headed for the door,...yelling something in Spanish at me. I quickly followed her,.. by the time we were outside. I asked "how far do you live?.....I'll walk with you"
She yelled back "I'm NOT walking" and headed for the street.
I was a little relieved because I didn't have my crutches with me,..and my leg was already hurting,...and,..I still had to walk home.
Still,..embarrassed,.... I just aimed my self towards home,...and didn't look back.

Another night,...I was at the bar.It was a Saturday night.
usually there was a band on Saturday night but this night there wasn't so they were doing the karaoke that they usually did on Thursday and Friday night.
I'm a songwriter of over 35 years and I have a fairly decent voice,.so I enjoy doing karaoke.
The only thing is this is a blues-rock bar,..but whenever I would sing,..I would always do an old country song. Most of the time,...It was accepted but sometimes a few people would look at me funny.
Well,..I had just finished a rendition of Hank Sr. "I'm so Lonely I could cry".
And found my way back to my stool.
I was just staring at something on the bar,..and suddenly,..a major wave of depression overtook me. I sat there and felt it envelope me.
Each minute seemed to be forever.
I looked around the bar,..at the people,...all laughing and having fun.
I jumped up from my stool and headed towards the door.
I friend nearby asked "Where you going?" I just waved and kept walking.
I didn't even know where I was going.
In between that bar,.and my house,...was a shopping center that I would always walk through. In that shopping center,..was another bar. When I was younger,..I went there alot. But now,..it was an all Spanish bar. I had never been in it since it changed. I didn't think it was safe for a white guy to go into.
But this night,..I found myself headed for it.
When I got to it,...I stood there at the door a minute,.....then walked in.
After a brief argument with someone about the cover charge,..I was in.
I looked around. I was actually amazed at how it had changed since the last time I was in it. The last time,..it was narrow,.....the bar ran down to the far wall,..on the left side.
To the right,..it was only about 80 feet across to the other wall.
There was a door on that wall,..and inside the door was two pool tables.
But now,...this bar was three times the size. I couldn't figure out exactly how it was laid out. But it was huge. And in the center of it,..was a large sparkling stage,..with a band playing on it. I couldn't understand a work,.of coarse,..so I just got me a beer,...found a stool and sat down.
I felt pretty much invisible,..and was happy that way,..until a large,..Spanish guy,..walked past me and stopped. He said something to me,..but the only word I understood,....
was,...." boxing?"  "huh" I said,..but he just shook his head and walked off.
A little later,..and a few more beers,..he passed again,...and said the same thing.
" hoya oo,..da ce boxing?" "uhh" I said,.."uhh ...no" then he walked off again,..I decided it was time to leave before I ended up finding out what he was saying.
I turned my beer up,...swallowed the last of it,..and headed to the door.
Once out,....I walked past the cars,..and people lingering in the parking lot,...doing whatever they do,...in the parking lot. Still feeling invisible,...I just walked right through them and headed towards the road that took me home.
Then one night,....I decided to post an ad on craigslist,..in the personals.
Knowing my state,..I put it in the strictly platonic section,..just to look for a friend.
In the ad,...I pretty much,..just asked why people are so shallow,...why does everyone care about money,..status,...car,..so forth.
I even said,..I'm just posting this ad to vent some frustrations,..I said,..don't contact me,..you won't like what you find......................................

then,.....I met...........................................HER.

To be continued.....................

Hello once again,..

I know I had ended my blog about this some months ago,because it was growing mundane. I also know though,..that I said that this true story of the worst thing that ever happened to me hasn't ended yet. And BOY! was I right. It still hasn't ended. In fact,..there has been a recent development to it,..that now has become even worse than the past situation.

However,...  Before i get into that,..I am going to start off where I ended it,..just after I moved into my mothers house. Because there were other incidents that happened while I was there that I should tell.

I will try my best to make this humorous,..as I did the last 10 chapters,..but remember,..we are talking about the worst thing that has ever happened to me,..so basically as I did in the beginning,..I am telling you now,..only read this if you are prepared for a long, drawn out drama filled story. As I did before,..I am writing this because i need to get it off my chest.

Once again,..I am not starting out with the recent development,but instead, where I left off....................................................
......................................and here goes.

I was no longer in danger of being homeless,..with a broken leg and no car. At the last moment,..my mother showed up and offered for me to move in with her. To save me from the streets and a fate which I was sure I wouldn't survive. The only thing is that my mother is the founder and president of a charity organization that saves stray dogs, and even though she has devoted her life (now 73 years old ) to caring for these dogs,..and it is very commendable,....she keeps allot of them in her house. We are talking around 12 to 15 big dogs at all times,..and they stay in the house. Nowadays,..they are all in cages,..because after the death of my father,..the city showed up and threatened to remove them if they weren't in these cages,..so now they were.            Still,..they bark,....allot,...and smell,...ALLOT!!!!   Their dogs,..their gonna do that.   They bark,..all through the night,..if a bug hits the window,..they bark. If the phone rings,..they bark,......when the mailman comes,...when the wind blows,...and so on and so on.         And not   just one of them,...when one barks,..they all get in on the action.   

And to make them stop,.I had to grab my crutches,...go in there and scream 
 SHUUUT  UUUUUUP !!!!!!!
Then,..my mother would come in and scream at me,..for yelling at the dogs.
Over time,..this wore a heavy toll on my nerves. As I'm sure,....It did on my 73 year old mother.
We bought a computer when I moved in and I put it in the living room.
Right where the majority of those cages were. In fact,..right behind where I sat on the computer was a line of cages. And in the one directly behind me were two large German Shepard's. As I would be on the computer,.( and I spent allot of time on it with nothing else to do) One of them would just bark,..out of nowhere,..They were the loudest of all,..they sounded like a sudden explosion going off. And It happened all the time.
One second,.It was silence,..just me typing,..then BOOM!!!
Then I would turn around and they would look at me like a little boy who got caught with his hand in the cookie jar.
All of this and,..as I mentioned,..the smell.
The air also was constantly full of dust.
Dust was all over everything,...the house almost looked like the  house from the Munsters. I cleaned,..she cleaned,..but there was something wrong with the air system there,..and it would just accumulate,...quick.
I was very concerned about breathing there and any damage that my lungs were
getting. 
I was also concerned about my mothers health,..but,..this is what she wants,..I just can't do anything about it.

As time passed,...I started growing restless. I was already used to walking everywhere I went,.( see earlier in the story ). At first,..I was continuing the earlier blog at the local community college nearby. It was a bit of a walk but as I said I was already used to walking distances on my crutches.
Eventually,..I wrapped up that story and didn't go back up there.
Instead,.I started going to this little bar that was close. It was a bar that I was familiar with,..because it was the neighborhood where I grew up.
At first,..I didn't know anyone up there anymore,..but I began to meet people, and even got a ride home from time to time,..as they didn't think my walking home on crutches at 2 in the morning was a good Idea.
I hated feeling dependant though.
There was also,..another little bad part of going home that late.
My mother,..would always be fast asleep,..but as soon as I opened the front door.
There would be the 21 dog salute and wake up her as well as any dead people nearby.
She,..of coarse would run in there to yell at me for staying out all night,and this would always be a very nice ending to that particular day.
One night,..while at the bar,..I was sitting there,..having a beer,..minding my own business. I had managed my loneliness by now,..into a state of numbness.
This bar,..wasn't really a pick up spot for me,...well,..one,..no car,...two,..still on crutches,..
and three,...umm not the most desirable of women there.
I just enjoyed getting out of the house for awhile.
Suddenly,..as I sat at the bar,..this nice looking lady,..pulled up the chair next to me and sat down,.......inside my head,..I said "there you are",..on the outside,..I barley glanced over,..and said,.."s'up".
Well,..we did start talking and eventually i bought her a beer or three.
The night passed and I excused myself for the boys room.
Just like any bar,..when I returned,..there was another guy there talking to her.
But when he saw me coming,..he moved back to his seat a few feet away.
She said to me,..."guess what he told me" I said,.."what's that"
"he said he is married,..but his wife lets him sleep with other people,..isn't that disgusting" she said.
I turned to her with a concerned expression and answered "yes it is".
But i noticed as the night passed she kept referring to what he had said,..and seemed
to be a little excited about it.
Soon,..he came back and at times,..stood in between us to talk to her.
I'm no stranger to bars,..and the way things happen in them. 
So,.at that point,..I told myself I didn't care what she did.
I wasn't gonna try to be with her.
Later,..just about closing time,..we were all preparing to leave.
I noticed him walk out ahead of us,..but also notice she wasn't walking out with me,...
as I expected.
She made it to the door,..and I kind of dragged back intentionally.
But when I did walk out,..I saw him in his truck with the door open and she was standing in the door of the truck,.talking to him.
I don't know what happened with them after that.
I just crutched on home,..and didn't look back.

I was going to try and make this one chapter,...
But there's just too much,..so in an effort not to bore you to death.
I think its going to be about three,..maybe four chapters.
But,....If you would,..please follow these.
because the main reason I'm continuing this,..is because of this new development.
I am in bad need of ,...well,.............advise,...or criticism,..or mental  help.
This new development,..makes what I went through earlier this year seem like a day at 6 flags. (but its actually   just 1 flag )
The development I am speaking of is happening right now,..so it won't be until the final
chapter,...But when you read it,.........YOU wont want to be me.

I'm just not understanding the big deal about naming that street.

I have my own Ideas about a couple of names for it,..but hey.

I have been here my whole life,...I'm 48. So who would listen to anything I suggest.

They seem to be too concerned with giving those rights to people who wasn't even born in this country.

Still,..Its just another street right?

Well,..actually no.......

I believe the street was originally named for the industrial area of town,..however since then, it has just become a bad part of town,..where they sell beer and liqueur,...and all the topless bars have opened.

Therefore,my Idea to name it would be.........Whiskey River Blvd.

I'm not even going to try to come up with some other vulgar name to acknowledge the topless bars,..like   top down road,..or something.

But,..it seems there was another,...small bit of history to that road,...or actually very near it back in the early sixties. And I feel very strongly,..that people of this city have overlooked the most obvious choice for naming it.

Therefore,..it is my opinion it should be named. John F. Kennedy Blvd.

But no,...lets just find some foreign theme to name it,..as usual for these days.

First.
Here it is.
The conclusion. I want to thank everyone for hanging in there and reading this stuff.
I never expected anybody to be reading this. Or comments or ineraction.
But other than the blogg heckler. Its been encouraging.
Just kiddin,.I don’t mind a heckler sometimes.
Its nice to hear you have friends. My only regret is that they have to be limited to the Internet and heard from only when I can get up here. I still appreciate it though.
For someone in solitude,…anything is nice.
So here is where I will wrap it up. I’m sorry however,..         I cannot promise a happy ending because where I’m going to end it,..is where I’m at now. I don’t know what happens next.

 

Chapter 10

 

Well,. once again, another job in the hole.
I sure don’t understand why this happens but I do expect it to happen everytime I manage to find a job.
That was a pretty good one to,….boring as it could be,
But it wasn’t bad. I’m mostly used to being out driving though.Not cross country. Even though I have the CDL I just don’t want to drive the big trucks. I really don’t feel I’m good enough to do it and with my record of luck I sure don’t want to put myself or anyone else in danger.
And those things can be VERY dangerous. During truck Driving school,.I saw and heard about so many wrecks
that 18-wheelers were involved in, and were catastrophes.
      I-DO-NOT-WANT-TO-BE-THE-CUASE-OF–ONE.

 

Besides,..I just don’t want to live in a truck and be gone from home,…umm,…if I ever get a home that is.
I can however use the CDL for (local,smaller truck) types of jobs. Of coarse, they do involve heavy labor usually and even though I’m not scared of labor,..its not happening right now. I can just see it,…(hey buddy will you hold this crutch and prop me up so I can lift this box into this truck,…thanks man)
Besides, I also have the graphics and animation skills.
And even a Video degree.
It sure seems like somebody like me wouldn’t be in this position,…huh. Go figure.

 

Well,at least my boss let me go at the end of the day.
That way I could just pretend to the son-in-law. Like I still had a job.

I didn’t tell him when he came to pick me up.
I really didn’t figure there was any reason to. It was almost a week until the 1st of the month and we were all moving out then anyway. The electric bill had been due for a week already and the cut off date was in 1 day. I wasn’t going to pay it.
I’ve paid enough and I figured when the lights went out
he would go somewhere else. His mothers.

It was about this time I decided to start writing this.
Since I didn’t know what was about to happen to me.
I thought,before I slip into the cracks of society and disappear,..I just had to write this down. I really didn’t expect it to get read by anyone. But I wanted there to be some record of what had happened to me and why I wasn’t around anymore.
That way,…….If,……I turned up dead. And authorities contacted my um,…reletives or friends with my remains. They could all get together and act like they cared and say why didn’t he tell me and all that crap. They would know why. Because they already knew. I made no secret to anybody,about what seems to be happening to me.
I’m not going to name off people. If you have noticed,. I haven’t used names at all. You only know my name.
So that’s why I’m writing this,.I just wanted there to be some record of it. Actually,..by now,.I’m somewhat embarrassed and ashamed that I have written all this and exposed all my dirty laundry to the world. But,..whatever.
However,since people are reading it,..I would like it to serve as a warning of what can happen just out of the blue. To anybody.
So anyway,..back to the story.
The actually day came when they were supposed to cut of the power. I woke up and turned on one of the lights.
It came on. Well,..I guess they haven’t gotten to it yet,.
I thought. Its Saturday maybe it wont be off until Monday.
As usual, I was awake about 7 am. Even on a day off I don’t sleep late. I think I would do that normally but on that lumpy couch I did good to sleep at all.
I really had no plans except  to go up to the library.
Most of the time through this I’ve been checking out books from there and noticing they had computers and people on the Internet. I checked into it and it seems you just have to reserve them. Sometimes there was no waiting time and sometimes I had to wait up to a couple of hours. It didn’t matter. I didn’t have anywhere to go or anything to do.
I would just sit there and read a book.
It was also very frustrating because having access to a computer and the Internet. But all I can do is read stuff,…or write stuff. I couldn’t make an attempt at making money with my animation skills because it wasn’t my computer and I couldn’t load my programs on it.
I did,….however…….I guess out of stupid loneliness.
Write a personals ad on craigslist. Not that I knew what to do if anyone responded..I have no car,..about to be…no roof. Not really any money to speak of,…oh yes,..and don’t forget the…..crutches.
But I titled the ad  “Pee Paw Needs a Mee Maw “.
I think I wrote way too much. I only got a couple of responses and all they did was tell me how cute it was.
I never actually met anyone out of it and I was kind of relieved I guess.
Oh yes,..while up there on the computers,..you only have an hour and while your on it,..theres a timer going on your screen. Boy,…that’s all I needed,..was another timer.
The next day was Sunday. As usuall I was awake early.
Once again I didn’t have any plans. The library was closed on Sunday. I just sat there until about 11 or so,..when my son in law woke up and came in. He said he was going to get a haircut. I said,..”Hey I need a haircut to”
He said “well are you ready”   “No,” I said,..I told him I needed a shower first. He said he was going right now.
You know,…its really kind of funny,………….I think I’ve already mentioned this,…but all the gas money I give him.
Yet I still walk everywhere I go. I think I pointed that out to him. I said,..”well I’m gonna take a shower,…if you can wait until I’m done,..I wanna go” I got up and took a shower.
When I got out,…he was gone. I figured as much.
Still, that had given me the idea of something to do that day. The only problem was that the only haircut place was not close. I had been walking the distances that I had been walking and they wasn’t that close but I was used to them already. Well,…I do stupid things sometimes,…but we already know that. I pulled up my pants and took off.
It was about 2 miles or so,..one way. When I got close,..I remembered it was Sunday and thought,…..”OH NO”
But they were actually open. I went in and there was a line,..the lady came to me and said I really don’t think we can get to you today. I said,..”oh yes you will”

 

I told her I walked on these things for miles to get here. She glanced at them and said “ok”
But still I knew I had a couple of hours or so,.. so I gave her my cell number and went to a taco bell nearby.
Soon I had a haircut and I started back .
When I got back I was really tired but you know there one thing I should be grateful for.
All this walking on these crutches,....has really toned up my upper body.
I'm gonna have to continue with a workout regimen when I get off of them to keep it.

As you can see,..nothing much is happening to me at this point,…nothing but my impending doom clock is still ticking.
That’s why I think Its about time to end this but I’m not done just yet.
the next day (Monday) My mother called me. She was talking about me moving in with her but she was talking in the context of,..when,..not,..if,  or you need to.
Let me explain something. Like everyone else around me,..my mother is very high strung. Its so hard to get along with her, I think I could,.. because I know her so well and know how to avoid arguments,..but It seems she just wants to argue all the time. She wont admit it but i think she really misses my dad,..as I do.

 

 She runs a charity from her house. At all times there are at least 10 big dogs there,..in the house. I REALLY don’t want to be there.
I don’t see any sleep possible there. I don’t know how she does it but Its her decision to do it. Yes it is very commendable but Shes been doing it for a very long time. I,..and everybody else have  been trying to get her to give it up. Shes just not at the age to be able to do this anymore.
There is one thing good,…..she used to go out to a nearby lake where many dogs are dumped on a regular basis and lay food down for them. It was dangerous not only for her being exposed to strangers but some of the dogs were not safe to approach yet out of her need to save these things,..she would try. Sometimes she would do it after dark even. She has quit doing that at least.
OK,…as she was telling me to move in. This only tells me that if I did,..there would be another clock.
Yes,..it would stop the one ticking now,..but it would just re-set and start ticking again. I CANNOT LIVE THERE.
Besides,…how impressive is that.
Monday passed.
And the power was still on.
I’m beginning to think someone payed the bill and didn’t tell me about on purpose.
For whatever reason I don’t know but all I know was it was still on.
I called my daughter “ Hun……are yall just pretending to do this so I will leave?”    “No dad” she said. Well I had to ask. It just seems weird that its still on.
The next day came. I went to the library,..wrote more on this. My mother called again and reminded me that the first was this coming Saturday. She said she could come and help me get my things by Friday.
I started thinking about it. I guess a decision between being homeless or living as a total dork,…really isn’t much of a decision.
Friday came,..amazingly…the power was still on.
Hmmm.  Somebodys not telling me something.
My mother pulled up. Luckily I wasn’t out on one of my many world travels.
We loaded my stuff.

 

It wasn’t hard because all the time I was there,..all my stuff stayed in boxes.
It still is………over there.
While I was loading,... my daughter was also there loading hers. I gave her a hug and told her to call me because there was no way I could reach her. I was told her cell was not working.
I left

Now,..this is where I grew up.
This is where I remember so many things but its all different here now.
Back then there was so much room but now,..where there is two square foot of space,..their going to build something there.
I am at the college computer lab here. It’s a farther walk than the library was. But I make it still.
I can remember when there was no college here.
Back then I used to come up here with a machete
and hack through the woods until I reached a pond where I would fish. The ponds are still here but theres a college built around them.
Also,..do you remember my friend,. the one that wouldn’t pick me up? He grew up two blocks from this house and still lives there. I pass it everyday walking to and from here.
I’m not stopping.
I no longer have that friend.
Of coarse,..most of the time his car isnt there anyway,..hes out at the job I got him.
The first night I was here,.I slept in a recliner.
The next day we went out and bought a small,.twin size mattress. At least I sleep in a bed now,….for the first time since this started.

 

 

Yesterday,…we went out and bought a computer.I am trying to get on line from home now,..It hasn’t happened yet. But these things take time.
If this all sounds like a happy ending,……its not.
I wish it was,… but my mother ,….well I’m not going to talk bad about her. And I know I should be grateful as I am.
But I do not belong here. Its only a matter of time before I’m not here. In order to get along with her,…I have to just say,..yes mother to the most ridiculous things and shut my mouth,…as I do.
 I will try to revive my freelance animation business SOON!
I’m also thinking about re writing a book that I wrote some years ago but never got published and then became lost in a move. If I had a publisher I know I would do it.

There’s a little bar not far from here that I walk to but they won’t let me walk home when I’m ready to leave.
I am still on the crutches and I would look too vulnerable.
As I supposes I would be.

I plan to be there for my birthday coming up on the 14th
But nobody will know.
About the birthday,…or about this story.

Now,…one final thing.
About the title
Beware!!!....Divorce!
This title has so much meaning.
From the time I was a child. I dreamed of growing up,
finding my wife,..and growing old in a nice house with a family. That’s all I ever wanted.
But I tried when I was twenty. It turned into Divorce.
You may think my title was referring to my recent divorce.
But it dates all the way back to 1987.
To my FIRST divorce.
You see,..thats when things started going wrong for me.
Immediately after the divorce I enrolled in a college.
I thought at least I could provide well for my daughter. That was my plans. But I was rooked into a degree that absolutely means nothing. It never happened.
About 10 years of scraping by and here and there relationships that never lasted,..I got married again and tried going back to school for web design.
Halfway through the school was when 9-11 happened and there went all those jobs. I’m not trying to sound unsympathetic for those victems but as for myself. Once again,..I never got a job in the field.

 

I spent the past years since then working hard (young man jobs) and trying to build up my graphics and animation skills only to lose the ability to use the computer. Also the past 9 years of this relationship were just a waste.

When you get married. You stand before GOD and make a promise. When you break that promise,..it is my guess that your not going to be his best friend. Therefore hes not going to do much for you.
I know,..you can repent and all is forgiven,……or is it.
The bible tells us it is,.. but look at my life.

I am actually a member of two churches and haven’t been able to go to either of them since this happened.
Could it be that GOD puts us in a “forgiven” category
But also puts us in a place all together as someone who broke a promise?

Look at the stars,….look at a cow.
Look at the trees or breath the air.
All of those things and many more are here so that we can live on this earth.
It is so obvious that GOD exists. So treat him with respect.
You will be treating yourself with respect at the same time. And if at all cost don’t break a promise to him.
It is too late for me to have that happy home.
But remember my story
don’t let that happen to you. .....................................

...................................................
........................................Please.

 

                                                   The End

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hello again.
I'm going to seriously try and wrap this up in another chapter or two.
I know its just going on and on,..but if your still hanging with it.
Maybe you can understand by now why I had to tell this story.
I've been living this, alone. I just wanted to get it off my chest.
There’s not much room in there left.

 

Chapter 9
I handed the phone to him and told him.
I paid the rent here for the next month. I have no money to go anywhere.
I said ya’ll need to grow up and stop putting me in the middle of all your problems.
He sympathetically said. "I know" and took the phone outside to talk.
I guess he calmed her down because the police never came.
Let it be known that since then. I have taken care of the warrant.
I do wish there was something I could have done about it though. I considered it a serious injustice. I know that because I have a cdl the cops gave me the ticket.
People who have cdl’s have to pay more on a ticket
just because they have the cdl. I guess in a matter of speaking,it makes sense but this one didn’t .
It was a very expensive ticket to pay.
And not a good time to have to deal with it.
 I had to part with yet another of my fathers passed down possessions,. I really didn’t want to lose it.
The next day, I called the guy at the insurance agency
to ask if he was hiring. He said he was and set up a time for an interview.
When the time came,.I went there and walked in without the crutches. By now,…I can walk a little without them but its very painful. Its just not time to yet.
It was a small office though and I thought I could get away with it. I went in,..and was shown to his office,..there we talked a little while,.. then he said. “Let me show you around the office.”   I had to walk with him through the office and hide some serious pain. Afterwards,he said he would call me.
I went home and waited. I called him back everyday to follow up.
Finally,he called me on a Friday and told me to start on Monday. I had to get the son in law to drive me there everyday.
On Monday,..I took my crutches with me. I just couldn’t see being there all day without them. When I walked in,..he asked if I got hurt over the weekend. I said “no,..I’m on the tail end of a broken leg,” I said “I hope its not going to make you regret hiring me”
He said “I don’t like surprises but it will be ok if there are no more” I assured him there wasn’t.

 

Through that  week,..I read so much. Insurance training manuals,…Insurance videos and everything else that was there to train on. I was learning a lot. By the end of the week I was starting to answer the phone. But of coarse there was limited things I could do,most of the time I transferred the call to someone else.
I was still not comfortable with having this job.
It seems with every job I get,..its just a matter of time until the ball drops and I don’t have it anymore.
One day,.my boss had to give me a ride home. I was going to walk. But when he found that out,..he offered. He was very nice about it but I’m sure it wasn’t a good thing.

Then one night I was at home talking to my mother on the phone. I had another call come through.
I answered it,and it was my son in law. He said
“when I see you,..I’m gonna bust you in the jaw”
I said,..” what NOW” He said he pulled up to where my daughter was living,..and she Immediately came out yelling at him. She was saying that I told her,.. me and him were going to a bar that night. My daughters mother,..(my 1st ex wife ) was even with her backing her in the lie,..saying that she heard me say everything.
My daughter had this way of trying to trick him into admitting something. She would act like she knows,… and if there was something to admit,..he would spill it .
That’s how he told her all about the other incident.
But this time,..there was nothing to admit.
I wasn’t about to ask him to take me to a bar again.
I sure wouldn’t have told my daughter if I did.
But I was prepared to just sit on that couch forever.
No matter how lonely I felt, …………..and it is a lot.
I had no way to get anywhere but walk and there wasn’t a bar in walking distance. But I would never ask him to take me again.
To be honest I wasn’t happy in a bar anyway. People would see my crutches and avoid me at all cost.
Since the reason for going to a bar is to be  social,…this wasn’t a working situation.
I knew I was going to be alone,..until all of this nightmare ended.
Well I told him to come on and give it his best shot,..then he hung up. All the time my mother was on the other line.
I had been talking to her about something I really didn’t want to happen.
She told me that I needed to move in with her.
I REALLY didn’t want to do that.
I love my mother,..but she can be a little hard to get along with. Also,.she is in her 70’s and running a charity organization that rescues and adopts stray dogs.
After I hung up from her,.I tried calling my daughter but she wouldn’t answer the phone. There were several other phone lines where she was and I tried calling them all,..over and over. Nobody would answer. I continued to try most of the night.
So I get this call,…again,…of a physical threat.
Then he hangs up and I’m just to be left in the dark unable to get to the bottom of anything.
Later,that evening I was playing my guitar when he came in. Playing my guitar is one of the only things that helps stress for me.
I said,..”let me lay my guitar down”. As I was doing it
He stood by the door and waited. I still didn’t know if my daughter had ever admitted to him that she was just faking
It this time.
He finally told me that she did. But I was still mad about it all. Mad about the incident alone,..and mad about being left hanging all night not knowing what was going to happen out of it.
I laid it down and limped towards him.
All the time knowing that there was nothing I could really do,..but he said “all right you still want to fight” and held up his fist in a fighting position.
I stood there and just looked at him. Just to know that he,..would really go through with it in my condition just made me madder. I sat down.
Then so did he,..it was then I let him have it verbally.
I let him know what I thought,…about him,..about her.
About the whole situation. It seems I’ve been being used as a weapon they were throwing at each other in their fighting. If, I were not in this condition there would have been several fights between me and him because of all this. And even though I’m not scared of fighting.
I am 47 and all grown up. I’m not a fan of it,…. and it would not have been right to do that because of them using me in this way.
Don’t forget how I broke my leg in the first place.
But of coarse that was just playing around.

 

Now,..back to another situation I haven’t mentioned yet.
The reason my mother was telling me I needed to move in with her,..is because at the apartment,…..the lease was going to be up at the end of February. They were not going to re new it.
My daughter was going to stay with her mother. And he was going to move in with his. All their stuff was going to storage and I had a clock ticking for me again.
At first,we were talking about getting a three bedroom apartment but my daughter decided she didn’t want me living with her. Even though I stayed out of their way,. stayed out of their business and kept to myself as much as possible. But more and more she kept thinking me and him were always up to something. And throwing blame at me for their troubles. Well,..I guess I didn’t need to be there.But don’t forget,..there were a couple of reasons why I was. One,..was for my benefit yes,..so I wouldn’t be homeless. But the other was to save their apartment by paying all the bills.
As I did. So now I had no way to get me a place,.or car.
I decided to call my brother and ask him if they could file a claim on their homeowners insurance  on my behalf.
I have been thinking and thinking about it. I knew he probably wouldn’t. And I could possibly be burning the bridge between us just asking. But it was a shaky bridge to start with anyway and I had no other options.
His house is where my injury happened.
I have lost everything because of it.
I felt I had a valid claim.
I spoke to him briefly about it,he said he would talk to his wife and get back to me. He also said it sounded shady. I said “your sitting over there in your house all comfy, I don’t even think you have told your wife about it, because your scared she’ll be mad..in the mean time I have lost my wife,..house,…everything,…. been sleeping on a very uncomfortable couch with a broken leg and about to be homeless,…you think it sounds shady?”
We hung up the phone.
The next night. He did call and said they discussed it and
decided against it.
Well,…….I figured as much. I reminded him of everything I’ve lost and where my future was headed. He said there was nothing he could do. I made sure I said this first,…that I wasn’t going to do it. I was NOT going to pursue this but,
I said if it was anybody else,.they could get a lawyer involved. He said “I can’t believe you went there” and hung up on me.
Why is it that people don’t listen?  I did say first,…..that I wasn’t going to do that.
Anyway. I still had the clock ticking and didn’t know what I was going to do.
I know I have a job and that could fix all of this. But I still had no car and that means no way to get to work after the apartment was gone. Plus,I wasn’t sure how long I would even have the job.
And sure enough the following Friday. I had been there two weeks.
At the end of the day,..my boss came in my office and sat down.He said “in this business,you have to be able to make a long term decision In a short amount of time” he said that there had been several people saying I didn’t answer the phone right.  “answer the phone right” I said He said “yes,…here you have to have a smile in your voice and your just not doing that good enough”
Well,………there went the job.

 

……………………………………….to be continued

What did I do so bad that made GOD so mad at me.
Thats the only reason I can think of.
It seems like all this isnt just things that happen.
It feels like its being caused. By someone,...some...thing.
One after another.
Yes,.I broke my leg,..ok Accident.
But then one after another,..these incidents keep coming.
Am I gonna end up homeless and on crutches before old man fate is happy?
Is that where I'm headed? I'm begining to wonder. I'm actually making plans of how I am going to survive out there.
I know I'm not the only person to ever be homeless,..probably not even with a broken leg.
But  I.......myself,..have never been. I can't worry about how many other people before me
have been homeless. I have to worry about how I can avoid it.
And i have been trying as hard as I can to avoid it. But these incidents just keep pushing me in that direction.
I was on the couch,....just after his temper fit at me.
I stayed mad about that for sometime because I am unable to fight back and defend myself. So i have this ,....kid.  able to threaten me.
He don't even realize that if it wern't for my condition,...he would have been hurt bad for doing something like that at me.
OK,...I guess i have to get over it,...calm down and get back to the other worry.
The next day,.I got up. I was going to go to the library. There is a small group of buildings
on the other side of the road from where the library sits.
I've never really noticed them there before but you would be surprised what all you notice when your walking. One of the buildings was the Duncanville Chamber of Commerce.
I didn't really know why but i went in.
A girl came to me and said "may I help you?"
I asked if they were hiring. She said no but she knew of a guy who had an insurance agency that was looking for someone.  I asked where it was and she said Cedar Hill.
Thats not far,..Its not really walking distance but its not far. I got the contact information and left. I went towards the library but then noticed some other building on the far side of it. I went towards them.

One of the things that I have left out,..is that I've been noticing how much weight I've been losing. Partially from not eating very much but I also know its from the injury. My leg was skin and bones.
The problem is with all the walking I'm doing,...My pants are getting to where they want to just fall off me. Every few feet I have to stop and pull them up.
It really embarressing.
So,.....I walked to the other buildings and went into the first door. It was a doctors office of some kind.
This one,..I have no Idea why,..but I asked if they were hiring.
I guess it was because I do have a degree in Video Production and i thought some doctors may use video for something.......I'm probably wrong.
Well,....it turned out they don't   I pulled up my pants and left.
I made several other stops with no luck. Nobodys hiring around there.
I just went to the library. Later that night i was at the apartment.
My daughter called me,..she was flaming mad about something. I can't even remember what it was but she was calling me a two faced backstabber. She was also telling me to pack my stuff and leave.
I had just paid the last of my money on the rent.
It turned out that a few days ago I had the son in law take me to a bar thats close by.
I just wanted to have a few beers,...shoot a game of pool or two,..you know,..
basically,.escape reality for a little while. Well this bar is a nice little place but,..from the outside it looks like a red neck joint. When we got there,...he wouldnt go in.
I  was really mad about this because I just want to enjoy myself for a few minutes,..but all the time I know hes out in the car.
I had been in for about 10 minutes when I decided to try this...
I went out and said,..hey theres a cute chick in there thats your age.
He still wouldnt come in. So I went ahead and left.|
Well,......he had told her all about this. For one thing I was being blamed for just taking him to a bar,...and another the thing about the cute chick.
Yes I'm a bad guy,..I'm the culprit.
Its all about me trying to interfere with their marriage.
Here we go again.
Well I told her I'm not leaving.
She said if she had to,she would call the police.
Well I want to say,.go ahead but,..I happened to have a warrent at the time.
This was from ..................yet another incident earlier in the year.
I was working for delievery company,..using my CDL driving a truck towing a 20
foot trailer that carried bobcats (small tractors)
I was crossing an intersection when two kids were racing and hit me. There was even a witness but I still got the blame,..and ticket,...and fired.
Well if I'm fired how do I pay the ticket.
I had a warrent.
I really didnt want to see the police.
...............................................When,...
.......WHEN    WILL THIS END?

to be continued.

To begin with,.........
I know your all getting tired of reading this crap,....
yea,yea,..my ordeal,..waa waa

 

therefore,..I'm going to wrap this up,..hopfully in the next chapter or two
I have been leaving things out,just to spare the drama,..and try and shorten it.
but remember,.the reason I started this in the first place was to
just get this off my chest.  Its been pretty heavy on it.
now,...chapter 7

 

 

 

I said,.."shes moving out?"
"yea,...she had enough of him"
well I know what the problem was,..actually,there were several. But I'm not going to go into it,thats not the reason for this.  I quickly rushed in the apartment to see her. She was sittin on the couch crying with her Mother in law consoling her. I said “ whats going on?” acting like I didn’t already know.
She told me,…all the stuff I can’t say here. He,…….was pacing back and forth saying this or that in defense. “I’m just tired of it ”She said…”nothings ever going to change”She got up,..pulled out a bag she had already been cramming things into,…and continued to cram. She was packing her stuff as well as baby things,..she was taking both of them.
I,..ask carefully,..”are you sure this is what you want”. I asked carefully because she jumps down my throat at the drop of a hat already.
“Nothins ever gonna change Dad” she said,…”and now that you’re here,…its only getting worse” I said  “I haven’t done anything”,….she looked up and shot me with her eyes. “yea sure you haven’t” “ok” I said,…theres no sense talking to you,..I could tell.
Still, if she wants to do this, it’s her business but I really don’t want to be blamed for it.
Heck I’ve been doing nothing,……and I mean NOTHING  but paying all the bills.
My leg was pounding from being out walking,..I just went and sat down out of the way.
In a little bit,…her,…her mother and mother in law,…bags in hand,..all left like an exiting gail of wind. He,..followed. I stayed on the couch but I could hear them out there,..motor running but talking loud. I couldn’t really hear what was being said but I could imagine.
Soon,..I heard the car backing out. Then,…he came in.
He sat on the smaller couch directly in front of me. We just stared at each other for a minute. Then we talked,..a little. Mostly about why she did this.
Other than that,the apartment seemed quiet.
Later that night,..his cell phone rang. It was her,…ok,..they were talking,..arguing mostly. He went outside. He stayed out there most of the time. I just settled in the couch and minded my own business. I opened a book I had been reading and just,..read.
It got late and I had to get ready for work in the moring,..so I hobbled to the kitchen,..made my usuall lunch of baloney sandwich and bag of chips then knelt down (on one knee ) said my prayers and then laid down on the couch.
Once again,..the morning came quickly.
A few more days passed,....  at night they stayed on the phone arguing most of the time.
Then one day I was at work. Riding in the van that carried the crew to where we were Picking up the next load of cars. This particular van,..was driven by a girl who had her husband working with her. He was just another driver but he always rode in the front seat with her. There was something about them however,..they always argued. Mostly him at her. I felt it very irritating but just minded my own business. My life was hanging by a string as it was. But this day,..the arguing reached a pretty climatic point. I thought It was really rude,…really inconsiderate for them to do this in front of everybody in the van. But hey,…some people just don’t have any sense. I still minded my own business.
However,…there was something I was worried about. My friend was in the van with us.
Let me explain something about him. I’ve known him all my life. He has absolutely no tolerance for things like this. Now,.what his expected reaction would not be to jump on the guy,…it would be to walk off the job. And in doing so,..having a temper directed at everybody,..even me.
This was what I was worried about. I nervously watch him,..as this was going on.
Suddenly,..I saw him,..pull his ticket off his clipboard,..wad it up and throw it in the floor.
Oh great,….I thought,…here we go. 
And I was right.,..In the next break in the arguing,…He said “you know what I’m gonna do?” to them. Her husband snapped “what”
My friend said “ I’m gonna pick up this next car,….I’m gonna drive it to the office,…then get in my car and go home” Everybody else in the van,..just kept quiet. Nobody knew what to think because they didn’t know him like I did.
Her husband said,..”man you aint gotta do that “ But he just said "I already told you what I'm gonna do"   Then I said “ I guess I have to do that to”  My friend said “you aint gotta do it” “you’re my ride home” I said Then the drivers said they would give me a ride home. Well I said ok,…but they live a far distance from Duncanville. I knew they would give me a ride home that day but they wouldn’t  be picking me up everyday. To be honest with you,…
I don’t remember what all was said next. All I could think was that here goes my job…..AGAIN.
Sure enough,..when we got to the cars,..he got in his. I rushed over there and asked him

 

If he was really gonna do that. “don’t worry about what I’m gonna do” he said,….then slammed the door and sped off. “Well,..I’m screwed” I said,..”and not just in my foot”
(referring to the screws in my foot)  ha ha
Well I worked the rest of the day and sure enough he wasn’t there.
When I got home,..I tried to call him to see if he was going to work the next day,…he answered,..I said “hey” He hung up.   I said “WHAT!”
I called again,…he picked it up and hung up.
I tried calling a few more times that night but got the same reaction.
Now you might think this is strange behavior,….and it really is but this is the guy I’ve known for 40 years. I was expecting him to do this. This is the way he does,..yet I’ve always held him as a friend.
The next morning,..I got up,….showered,…got dressed,..ate,…packed everything for a normal workday,..and stood outside the door at 6:30 am.
There I waited,…………….and waited,…………………….and waited.
7,…………….7:30…………………….8:00……………….nothing.

 

I called my boss and said I couldn’t make it to work today. I told him my ride didn’t show up.   My boss said,..”He’s here” I said “HES THERE!!”

 

“yea” he said “their already out headin to the lot”  I said “well he didn’t come get me”

 

My boss just said in a calm voice,..”well I’m sorry,..nothing I can do”  “ok” I said,.and hung up the phone. I went in the apartment and sat on the couch.
I thought,........"WILL THIS HELL EVER END!!"
Once again,.....I was on the couch wondering what to do next.
I think I sat there staring into space for like,...three days.
" I give up" I said but nobody was there to hear me.

 

He was over at my daughters mothers house where he had been most of the past few days since she left. Thats where she was,....

 

So thats where he was. 

 

I realized,..I didnt know what time it was,.....heck,..I didnt know what day it was.
I wanted beer,......yea,....I need some beer,....I reached in my pocket but

 

didnt have any money. I had spent it all on the last bill I paid.
I shook my head to bring myself out of this. Then got up,...took a shower and went for a walk.
Later I was back there,..reading my book,..trying to ignore reality. He was there but outside on the phone. Suddenly,..the door burst open. He Pounded in and was heading right for me like he was about to attack me. I jumped up and was immeadiatly off balance. He came pretty close but finally stopped and yelled "why'd you tell her i went to my aunts?" "what?" I said,...I lost my balance and fell back on the couch. He said "why are you trying to wreck my marriage" I said "I didnt tell her anything,...how the he** am I suppossed to ever know where you are anyway"
He stood there like he was fuming,..then I thought about it and said,......
"man,..what the he** is wrong with you being at your aunts anyway?"
He got a little calmer
but then said “you know she don’t like me going over there”
“I have no Idea what she likes” I said.  
“well she don’t” he said. I was already on the couch and said,..”look man,..you gonna act like your about to attack me,.. that’s real brave with me in this condition”
He turned his head in the other direction and said “ well I just don’t appreciate you trying to wreck my marriage”
I,..sat there a minute. I know,..I’m old,..they are young. But still,….I thought a second then said to him in a loud voice,..”DOES ANYBODY UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF A BROKEN LEG?”

......................................................
.........................TO BE CONTINUED

 

 

 

 

My daughter,was sitting there,waiting for an answer.
With a baby attached to her. I could swear I heard that sucking sound from

The baby on the Simpsons. Only that sound seemed to be coming from my daughters eyes. Glaring at me.
“try calling her again Dad”   “ok”I said,..I picked up the phone right in front of her,..so that she would see me calling,..and getting hung up on.
Ring, ring,……and the same “click”   I hung up the phone.
My daughter said,..”so what are you gonna do now?” Sternly
I said “I don’t know”,…I shuffled. “I guess I can just go” I was still standing by the door so I opened it up,…a cold wind hit me in the face as I looked into it. My daughter said “Dad” “yes” I said,…”I knew this would happen”
“I didn’t do this on purpose” I said. She got up and went to the bedroom. Still holding the baby. Then I remembered,..hey,..I have to make it to work tomorrow. I sat on the couch trying to figure out how.
The night flew by and the next thing I knew it was very late. I was sitting on the couch with my leg propped up on it. My daughter came back out. I asked,.”.Don’t yall have the electric bill due soon?” she said “yes,..its due in a couple of days”
“How much” I asked,. She paused and answered.”Its three hundred dollors” I fumbled in my pocket a second,..then took it out and handed it to her.,.( I don’t normally just happen to have three hundred dollors just hanging around but just so happens I did.)
Her eyes lit up,…but just for a second. I guess she didn’t want me to see her happy. “Are you sure?” she asked.  “yes,..we can’t let it get cut off” She took the money and stuck it in her pocket. I know I’m a big screw up,..I’ve always felt very disappointing as her father but right then I felt so happy that I could help her,..in some way.
The next morning came and I layed there on the couch,..trying to figure out how I was going to get to work. No idea came. I called my boss and said I wasn’t going to make it. He said “ok then” and hung up.
I watched the morning news,..then I watched game shows, then the soap operas came on,. I’ve never been a big fan of soap operas. I sat there just a second then decided to go out
and do something,….didnt know what,..just hated to sit there all day. I hobbled out the door and down the road,.I guess I can go to the store.
At these apartments,..everything was about a mile away. There was a Minyards Grocery store,..to my east. There was the Duncanville Library to my north. And there was a 7-11 and a Dairy Queen to my west. To the south was just houses.
I started off to the store,.not knowing if I could make it. I haven’t had to hobble any real distances. It hurt,.but It always hurt,.so what the heck. As I passed all the apartments and entered into the far end of the parking lot the Minyards was in,.I though,.hey,.I’m gonna make it.
I finally got there,.didnt really know what I went there for. But I noticed a girl working there. I was really attracted to her.  I went through the store,.trying to figure out something I needed. I thought of several things but I wasn’t about to carry them back on crutches. Like Milk,…or a case of water.
I decided to go up to the office and get a lottery ticket. While I was waiting in line,..that girl came to the office and passed right by me,..she said “excuse me” I said,.” sure”

And took a step,..(or a crutch) back.
But tried to look innocent. I noticed her walk back to her area. I got my ticket,. And even though I didn’t want to,I left.
Later when my daughter got up,I asked about that girl. She said she didn’t know her.
My daughter said,.”Dad,..you don’t need to be worried about girls right now”
She was right,…she was very right.
I guess it was the last several years of a dead relationship,….or maybe it was the last week or so of being treated really bad when it really hurt to be treated that way.
Or it was sitting there on the couch wanting to visit with my daughter and grand kids and not getting to or whatever it was,..but I began to feel very,very alone.
The thought of that girl,..just stuck out in my head.
“Ok,…your right. I don’t need to think about that”  I sat down and tried to think of a solution again.Then,…I got an Idea.
My friend needs a job. The same guy that was at my brothers the night this happened.
I’ve known this guy since we were 6 years old. All my life. If I could get him on,..he could be my ride to work.
I called him and asked if he wanted me to get him on down there,..He said “sure”
I told him to come get me and we could go talk to my boss,..”oh,by the way” I said

“I’m at my daughters” he said “ok”,.hung up the phone and headed over.
Later we were sitting in front of my boss. I should include that this company is very laid back. When you work there,..you are working as Independent labor. If you don’t show up,..your not fired,.you just don’t get paid.
After the short meeting,we were told he would start there as soon as his MVR cleared.
I was hoping that it would happen that day so we could start the next. But it didn’t.
It wasn’t until Wednesday,..still It worked. He got hired there and I could get back to work… man,.that was close,..I thought.
We arranged it that he would be at my door at 6:30 am. I had to be ready.
It was really hard. Waking myself up on that couch,..well that wasn’t the hard part,.I never slept well on it anyway,..but just getting up,..showering,..and being ready that early.

But I made it.
Over the next few weeks,.everything went ok. I went to work,………then went home.
Once back home everynight,..I was on the couch pretty much by myself….again.
I was the only one working and had already paid the electric bill,..now the rent was due,..and the water. I paid them all.
I know I could have bought me car,..then a place to live………had a life.