illusions's Blog

WARNING:  I did NOT blow this picture up to see if you can see his thingy, so read and look at your own risk!!!

Reneck rules, obey them, or suffer the consequences:

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.

2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is still considered tacky to drive a U- Haul to the funeral home.

3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no , as they tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of finger foods.

Dating (outside the family):

1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to go out with you since I read that stuff on the bathroom wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will say 10:00pm; others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer, it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.
4. Always have a positive comment about your date's appearance- such as, "ya'll sure don't sweat much for a fat broad."

Weddings:
1. Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

A Captain in the foreign legion was transfered to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sargent leading the tour, "What's the camel for?".

The Sargent replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel."

The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me."

After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sargent, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters.

The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sargent, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?"

The Sargent replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town."

The parish priest went on a fishing trip.



On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in.



The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the size of that Son of a Beach!"



"Son, I'm a priest. Your language is uncalled for!"



"No, Father, that's what kind of fish it is - a Son of a Beach fish!"



"Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Beach!"



Once in the boat, they marveled at the size of the monster.


"Father, that's the biggest Son of a Beach I've ever seen"



"Yes, it is a big Son of a Beach. What should I do with it?"



"Why, eat it! Of course. You've never tasted anything as good as Son of a Beach!"



Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory.



While unloading his gear and his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.



"Take a look at this big Son of a Beach I caught!"



Sister Mary gasped and clutched her rosary, "Father!"



"It's OK, Sister. That's what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Beach fish!"



"Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Beach?"



Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Beach for his dinner.



"I'll even clean the Son of a Beach", she said.



As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.



"What are you doing Sister?"



"Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Beach for the new Bishop's Dinner"



"Sister! I'll clean it if you're so upset! Please watch your language!"



"No, no, no, it's called a Son of a Beach Fish."



"Really? Well, in that case, I'll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Beach can be the main course!



Let me know when you've finished cleaning that Son of a Beach."



On the night of the new Bishop's visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal.



The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.



The new Bishop said, "This is great fish, where did you get it?"



"I caught that Son of a Beach!" proclaimed the proud priest.



"And I cleaned the Son of a Beach!" exclaimed the Sister.



The Friar added, "And I prepared the Son of a Beach, using a special recipe!



The new Bishop looked around at each of them.



A big smile crept across his face as he said,



"You (f) puckers are my kind of people!"

CAUTION:

One day, long, long ago, there was this woman who surprisingly,
 
did not whine, nag, and BLEEP........ 
 

But this was a long time ago.....
 
 
 
and it was just ONE day.
 
 
 
The End

Ummm...I hear they are giving these out as Viagra promos at Dr. Offices.....

How to recognize a persian cat..............

Makes me think everyone should carry a roll...............................

Remember...easy does it !

>>Begin by standing on a comfortable surface,  where you have plenty of

>>room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand,  extend your

>>arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you

>>can. Try to reach a full minute,  and then relax. Each day you'll find

>>that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.

>> 

>>After a couple of weeks,  move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try

>>50-lb potato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can

>>lift a 100-lb potato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for

>>more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)

>> 

>>After you feel confident at that level,  put a potato in each of the

>>sacks

Ok, do I have pictures??? I used the direct link to photo bucket since the HTML didn't work......and also had to use the image thingy at the top......THANKS to the person who assisted on the message board. 

(not written by me, in case you wondered!)

the other night i was invited out for a night with "the boyz." ........i told my wife that I would be home by midnight, ....................."i promise!"

well, the hourz passed,....... and the beerz went down waaaaay too easy......... around 3 a.m....., a bit loaded, i headed for home. .........just as i got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed three times..............


quickly realizing my wife would probably wake up.........., i cuckooed another nine timez.................... i was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution (even when totally smashed), in order to escape a possible conflict with her.


the next morning the milf....er.... wife asked me what time i got in............................................. i told her midnight."............... she didn't seem pissed off at all. whew!!!!! got away with that one!


then she said...........,

"we need a new cuckoo clock."


when i asked her why, she said:..................................................
........................................... "well......., last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "oh BLEEP!!," cuckooed four more times, cleared it's throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted...............

The following is a telephone exchange between a hotel guest and a call to room service somewhere in the USA today.

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: " Rye. Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."

Room Service: "Ow July den?"

Guest: ".....What??"

Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... pryed, boyud, poochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"

Guest: "I... don't think so."

RoomService: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We bodder?"

Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... just put the butter on the side."

RoomService: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... and that's everything."

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy ... rye??"

Guest: "Whatever you say." RoomService: "Tenjooberrymuds."

Guest: "You're welcome"

Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS' ".....and you do, don't you?

Dear Foks 4:

Du you have any jobe openins avalabll for peepl lik me. I went so skol in furst grad tru 4.  I cam frum that state oba dere.  Jus unner you. 

mi prezdent saz ifn we mobe to da us, we kin git fre chit,  is dat tru?

kin ya all cal me an lemme no?

tanks