illusionsssss's Blog

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'

I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?'

She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.'

I said, 'Well, why are you crying?'

She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. '

I said, 'Well, why in the world would you be crying?'

She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'
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Two elderly women were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning. Ethel noticed something funny about Mabel's ear and she said, ''Mabel, do you know you've got a suppository in your left ear?'

Mabel answered, 'I have a suppository in my ear?'

She pulled it out and stared at it. Then she said, 'Ethel, I'm glad you saw this thing. Now I think I know where to find my hearing aid.'
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When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.'

Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big BLEEP he always was.'
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Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their r activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.

One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me. I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.'

Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'

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An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the ol d woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . . please advise.'

The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'

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THE SENILITY PRAYER

Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.

AMEN!!!!

     Sharing: A lesson on human nature

>> I was talking to a friend of mine's little girl the other day. I asked
>> her what she wanted to be when she grew up and she replied, "I want to
>> be President!" Both of her parents are liberal Democrats and were
>> standing there. So then I asked her, "If you were President what would
>> be the first thing you would do?"
>>
>> She replied, "I'd give houses to all the homeless people."
>>
>> "Wow - what a worthy goal." I told her, "You don't have to wait until
>> you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow,
>> pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take
>> you over to the grocery store where this homeless guy hangs out, and
>> you can give him the $50 to use toward a new house."
>>
>> Since she is only 6, she thought that over for a few seconds. While
>> her Mom glared at me, she looked me straight in the eye and asked,
>> "Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can
>> just pay him the $50?"
>>
>> And I said, "Welcome to the Republican Party."
>>
>> Her folks still aren't talking to me.
>>
Sounds almost like REALITY!!!

'Come now,' coaxed the doctor,
'you've been seeing me for years!
There's nothing you can't tell me.'

'This one's kind of strange...'

'Let me be the judge of that,'
The doctor replied.

'Well,' she said, 'yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and heard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water was full of pennies.'

'I see.'

'That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there were nickels in the bowl.'
'That night,' she went on, 'I went again, 
Plink-plink-plink, and there were dimes and this morning there were quarters !
You've got to tell me what's wrong with me!,' she implored,
'I'm scared out of my wits!'

The gynecologist put a comforting
Hand on her shoulder.
'There, there, it's nothing to be scared about.'

(Ready for this?)
(I'm warning you.....)
(Still not too late....delete now!)

'You're simply going through the change!

ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl'.

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation'

'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.   
Was it Tina Minetti?' 

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed. '

'Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'

Hi, my name is ________________:

I think I own the fox 4 blogs. I am popular, and I have 3 people leaving 300 comments on my blogs.

That makes me popular, and important.

I will "call it as I see it". I will not be biased. For I am my own person, and am better than ANY of you!

I might be YOUNGER than you, but I KNOW what is important in life. My Chemical Romance is important to me, and should be to you as well!!! GET over it, imbecils! (I meant Infidels)!!!

Sorry sal, but your comment on a blog about me being "simple" just MADE me write this blog.

So, IMO, you and your illegal Mexican hubby can just sit down and S T F U. IF he isn't illegal, can you teach him English? Please?

-Just Askin'

Love,

Ills

I received this in an email today....and think it's brilliant!

A message every adult should read because children are watching what you are doing as you do, not as you say.

 
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you hang my
first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately
wanted to paint another one.  

 
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you feed a
stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind
to animals.

 
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you make my
favorite cake for me, and I learned that the little
things can be the special things in life.

 
When you thought I wasn't looking I heard you say a
prayer, and I knew that there is a God I could always
talk to, and I learned to trust in Him.

 
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you make a
meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I
learned that we all have to help take care of each
other.

 
When you thought I wasn't looking, I saw you give of
your time and money to help people who had nothing,
and I learned that those who have something should
give to those who don't.

 
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you take care
of our house and everyone in it, and I learned we have
to take care of what we are given.

 
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw how you
handled your responsibilities, even when you didn't
feel good, and I learned that I would have to be
responsible when I grow up. 

  When you thought I wasn't looking I saw tears come
from your eyes, and I learned that sometimes things
hurt, but it's all right to cry.

 
When you thought I wasn't looking I saw that you
cared, and I wanted to be everything that I could be.

 
When you thought I wasn't looking I learned most of
life's lessons that I need to know to be a good and
productive person when I grow up.

 
When you thought I wasn't looking I looked at you and
wanted to say, 'Thanks for all the things I saw when
you thought I wasn't looking.' 

I am sending this...to those .... 

WHO DO SO MUCH FOR OTHERS,  
BUT THINK THAT NO ONE EVER SEES.

LITTLE EYES SEE A LOT .

 
Each of us (parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, teacher, friend) 

influences the life of a child.  

After I wrote the blog about ebay and auctions, I got some comments that got me wondering what y'all collect.

I collect kewpies (1913-1990's) for the most part. But I also like alot of antique things, such as primitive dolls, antique or antique-looking teddy bears, western collectibles (miniature cowboy boots), and Roseville pottery.

What do YOU collect? Post a pic too!

First off, I prefer watching movies at home (after they come out on DVD).  That way I can smoke, have popcorn for a buck, and a beer instead of paying $20.00 (for two) to see the movie, and then $15.00 for a bucket of popcorn and two large pops.

But..........my boyfriend wanted to see the movie Tropical Thunder  (which has some major actors), so we went to North Park Mall to see it this afternoon.

I had no idea what it was about, and I still don't. I only know that in MY opinion it was a huge waste.

I give it a D only because I actually sat through it (when what I wanted to do was go back to the truck and smoke).  My boyfriend said it was not what he expected.....and that it was a comedy. 

A comedy??? I found very little funny about this film. I may have smirked once.

Here's the trailer for this movie.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c-wEypCfqfY<
/p>

In my opinion..........save your money.

-just sayin'

Many of you may have used the derogatory term ' Dick'  Head to refer to someone who may deservedly have earned such a title. Others of you may have earned the title for yourselves.

However, it should be noted that real 'dickheads' do exist
in the wild, and may be spending some time this summer
at a community swimming pool in your area.

Be alert and exercise necessary caution.

> > Touching Story of Love and Marriage
> >
> > A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly
> > smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.
> >
> > He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed.
> >
> > Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and
> > with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the
> > railing with both hands.
> >
> > With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the
> > kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself
> > already in heaven.
> >
> > There, spread out upon newspapers on the kitchen table were literal ly
> > hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.
> >
> > Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted
> > wife seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
> >
> > Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The
> > aged and withered hand shaking, made his way to a cookie at the edge of
> > the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

> >
> > Stay out of those,' she said, 'they're for the funeral.'

Uh, thanks for offering, but I THINK I can handle this myself.........

See ya at the Baggage Pickup area Uncle Randy!!

So THAT'S what they do with them...........

? ? Tillie - Maude - Gertrude

?

These three old ladies and their dogs were sitting on a park bench ? having a quiet conversation ? when a flasher approached from across the park. ? The flasher came up to the ladies, ? stood right in front of them ? and opened his trench coat. ? ? ? ?

Gertrude immediately had a stroke. ? ? ? Then Maude also had a stroke. ? ? ? But Tillie, being older and more feeble, couldn't
reach that far .

WOW, reminds me....................:))