mykidzatm's Blog

Can you answer this riddle?

 

Here is a pretty neat little thing from Paul Harvey. See if you can guess the riddle at the end.

 

Paul Harvey Writes:

 

 We tried so hard to make things better for our kids that we made them worse. For my grandchildren, I'd like better.

 

I'd really like for them to know about hand me down clothes and homemade ice cream and leftover meat loaf sandwiches. I really would.

 

 I hope you learn humility by being humiliated, and that you learn honesty by being cheated.

 

I hope you learn to make your own bed and mow the lawn and wash the car.

 

And I really hope nobody gives you a brand new car when you are sixteen.

 

It will be good if at least one time you can see puppies born and your old dog put to sleep.

 

 

I hope you get a black eye fighting for something you believe in.

 

I hope you have to share a bedroom with your younger brother/sister. And it's all right if you have to draw a line down the middle of the room,but when he wants to crawl under the covers with you because he's scared, I hope you let him.

 

When you want to see a movie and your little brother/sister wants to tag along, I hope you'll let him/her.

  

I hope you have to walk uphill to school with your friends and that you live in a town where you can do it safely.

 

On rainy days when you have to catch a ride, I hope you don't ask your driver to drop you two blocks away so you won't be seen riding with someone as uncool as your Mom.

  

If you want a slingshot, I hope your Dad teaches you how to make one instead of buying one.

  

I hope you learn to dig in the dirt and read books.

 

When you learn to use computers, I hope you also learn to add and subtract in your head.

 

I hope you get teased by your friends when you have your first crush on a boy\girl, and when you talk back to your mother that you learn what ivory soap tastes like.

 

May you skin your knee climbing a mountain, burn your hand on a stove and stick your tongue on a frozen flagpole.

  

I don't care if you try a beer once, but I hope you don't like it. And if a friend offers you dope or a joint, I hope you realize he is not your friend.

  

I sure hope you make time to sit on a porch with your Grandma/Grandpa and go fishing with your Uncle.

  

May you feel sorrow at a funeral and joy during the holidays.

 

I hope your mother punishes you when you throw a baseball through your neighbor's window and that she hugs you and kisses you at Hannukah/Christmas time when you give her a plaster mold of your hand.

 

These things I wish for you - tough times and disappointment, hard work and happiness. To me, it's the only way to appreciate life.

 

Written with a pen. Sealed with a kiss I'm here for you. And if I die before you do, I'll go to heaven and wait for you.

  

Send this to all of your friends. We secure our friends, not by accepting favors, but by doing them.

 

 

Paul Harvey RIDDLE:

 

When asked this riddle, 80% of kindergarten kids got the answer, compared to 17% of Stanford University

 

 

What is greater than God, More evil than the devil, The poor have it, The rich need it, And if you eat it, you'll die?

 

 

 

Give Up?   Press “Shift” and you will get the answer.

Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. 

 He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people
and  talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and  his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to  mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was  your wife. Yes, I know him."

The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you to the electric chair."

Fred and Linda got married but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's for their first night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Linda are up yet.


She replies, "No".


Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Linda up yet?"

She replies, "No."

Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.

" After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Linda up yet?

His mom says, "No."


He asks, "Do you know what I think?"

His mom replies, "Ok, now tell me what you think?"

He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

The Middle Wife
 
                                      By an Anonymous 2nd Grade Teacher


I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom.



When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show- and-tell is pretty tame Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant.

"This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday. First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."


[She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.]

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, oh, oh, oh!' " [Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans.] "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'

[Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.]

"My Dad called the middle wife She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this."

[Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.]

"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!"

[This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are miming water flowing away. It was too much!]

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.' They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff, they all said it was from Mom's play-center!, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there."

[Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along.

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again.  As before she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said,  "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you ok?"
 
 "I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition;  whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
 
 The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. " I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
 
 The woman nodded, "Pepper."

ACTUAL patient documentation from hospital charts:

1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. Note: patient here-recovering from forehead cut.    Patient became very angry when given an enema by mistake.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

20. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

21. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

22. Skin: somewhat pale but present

23. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities

What a great job by Steve Noviello on this morning's All Access.  Thanks for a fun filled, fast moving tour of our morning wake-up call.

 Special thanks to all the producers and technical people that had to get up early to put this together.  I enjoyed watching the control room and all the behind the scenes activity.

 I believe we saw a soft side of Tim (at least for a moment or two) and the chat proved a need for extra security for Megan.  Can we now expect weather and stock tips from Evan?  Todd is every bit the joker that I expected and unfortunately Chip was under the weather which is, of course, better than being under the chopper.

 Thanks again, Steve.


 

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia , formerly known as California.  White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.


Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.


Baby conceived naturally.  Scientists stumped.


Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.


Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq ,Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).


Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.


France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica .


Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.


George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.


Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.


85-year $75.8 billion study:  Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.


Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.


Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.


Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.


Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.


Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.


New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.


Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.


IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.


Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.


Now, send this to whoever you want to and as many as you want and guess what....NOTHING will happen. No miracles, no money, absolutely nothing, except you might make someone smile

This post has been edited by an administrator

For all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated, "If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25.00 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a press release stating:

If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash........ twice a day.

2. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.

3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.

4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.

5. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.

6. The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.

7. The airbag system would ask "Are you sure?" before deploying.

8. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.

9. Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.

10. You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.


The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, "What is your occupation?"


"I'm a w*h*o*r*e," she says.


The accountant is somewhat taken back and says, "No, No, No. That won't work. Let's try to rephrase that."


The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."


"No, that still won't work. Try again."


They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer."


The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"


"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."


"Chicken Farmer it is."

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, "What are all those clocks?" St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock.

Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move."

"Oh," said the man, "Whose clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie." "Incredible, said the man. "And whose clock is that one?" St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life." "Where's Bush's clock?" asked the man. "Bush's clock is in Jesus' office. He's using it as a ceiling fan."

At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them had an "A" so far. These four friends were so confident, that the weekend before finals they decided to visit some friends and have a big party.

They had a great time, but after all the hearty partying, they slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they decided that after the final they would explain to their professor why they missed it. They said that they visited friends but on the way back they had a flat tire. As a result, they missed the final. The professor agreed they could make up the final the next day.

The guys were excited and relieved. They studied that night for the exam. The Professor placed them in separate rooms and gave them a test booklet. They quickly answered the first problem, worth 5 points.

Cool, they thought! Each one in a separate room, thinking this was going to be easy.... then they turned the page. On the second page was written....

For 95 points: Which tire?________________

A 2nd grader asked her mother the age-old question, "How did I get here?"
Her mother told her, "God sent you."
"Did God send you, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, Dear," the mother replied.
"What about Grandma and Grandpa?" the child persisted.
"He sent them also" the mother said.
"Did he send their parents, too?" asked the child.
"Yes, Dear, He did," said the mother patiently.
"So you're telling me that there has
been NO sex in this family for 200 years?
No wonder everyone's so damn grumpy around here."

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two?
Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"


MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was.
Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more.
Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look
in the back of your BLEEP. Mine say five to six."

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you
outside my bedroom window."

BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain
killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle.
Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a
child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her.
Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How
does it know it's me?"

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and
asked: "How much do I cost?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that
were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without
taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is
he whispering in her mouth?"

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking
worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get
married. How will my wife fit in?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His
dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his
wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked
back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James
asked: "What happened to the flea?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when t hey met an
elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy
looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why
doesn't your skin fit your face?"

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget..this particular Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

Hillary Clinton and her driver were cruising along a country road one evening when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. The driver tried to avoid it but couldn't -- the aged bovine was struck and killed.

Hillary told her driver to go up to the farmhouse and explain to the owners what had happened. She stayed in the car making phone calls to lobbyists.

About an hour later the driver staggered back to the car with his clothes in disarray. He was holding a half-empty bottle of expensive wine in one hand, a rare, huge Cuban cigar in the other, and was smiling happily, smeared with lipstick.

"What happened to you," asked Hillary?


"Well," the driver replied, "the farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made mad passionate love to me."

"My God, what did you tell them?" asked Hillary.

The driver replied, "I just stepped inside the door and said, 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow.' The rest happened so fast I couldn't stop it".