tallone66's Blog

The Man Rules­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­­
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally , the guys' side of the story
( I must admit, it's pretty good)

 

 

We always hear

'the rules'
From the female side

Now here are the rules from the male side

 

 

These are our rules!

Please note... they are all numbered '1' ON PURPOSE!

 

1.   Men are NOT mind readers.

1.    Learn to work the toilet seat.   You're a big girl.   If it's up, put it down.   We need it up, you need it down.   You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1.    Sunday sports It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides.   Let it be.

1.    Crying is blackmail.

1.    Ask for what you want.   Let us be clear on this one!  Subtle hints do not work!  Strong hints do not work!  Obvious hints do not work!   Just say it!

1.    Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1.   Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.   That's what we do.   Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1.    Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.   In fact, all comments become Null and void after 7 Days.

1.    If you think you're fat, you probably are.  Don't ask us.

1.    If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1.   You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done.   Not both.   If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1.    Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1.    Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1.    ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.   Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color.   Pumpkin is also a fruit.   We have NO idea what mauve is.

1.    If it itches, it will be scratched.  We do that.

1.    If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' We will act like nothing's wrong.  We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

 

1.    If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1.   When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine... Really!

1.    Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, sex, hooters, or golf.

1.    You have enough clothes.

1.   You have too many shoes.

1.    I am in shape.    Round IS a shape!  Straight IS a shape! Flat IS a shape!

1.   Thank you for reading this.   Yes, I know I have to sleep on the couch tonight; But did you know men really don't mind that?   It's like camping.

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh.

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh.

this is the best i herd in weeks i_s warning do not drink before reading this lol

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to BLEEP yourself' chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your ass cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then it made me laugh. Big Mistake.

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. It was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!', then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's.



I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store!

Kids Are Quick !!!
 
TEACHER:   Maria, go to the map and find North America
MARIA:      Here it is.
TEACHER:  Correct. Now class, who discovered   America ?
CLASS:       Maria.
____________________________________
 
TEACHER:  John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN:         You told me to do it without using tables.
__________ ________________________________
TEACHER:  Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN:      K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN:      Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
____________________________________________
TEACHER:  Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD:    H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER:  What are you talking about?
DONALD:    Yesterday you said it's H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER:  Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE:       Me!
__________________________________________

TEACHER:  Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN:         Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER:    Millie, give me a sentence starting with 'I.'
MILLIE:          I is..
TEACHER:   No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE:         All right..  'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'    
_________________________________
TEACHER:   George Washington not only chopped down his father's   cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn't punish him?
LOUIS:        Because George still had the axe in his hand.  
______________________________________
   
TEACHER:  Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON:      No sir, I don't have to, my Mom is a good cook.
 
TEACHER:   Clyde , your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's.   Did you copy his?
CLYDE :      No, sir.  It's the same dog.
___________________________________
TEACHER:     Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD:       A teacher .

Noah in 2008.

In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in the United States, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.

"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

"Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

"When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me.

"They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.

"Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.

"Immigration and Naturalization are checking the green-card status of most of the people who want to work.

"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.

"To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.

Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

the last one was my fav enjoy them and have a great weekend

 

She was in the bathroom, putting on her makeup, under the watchful
> eyes of her young granddaughter as she'd done many times before.
> After she applied her lipstick and started to leave, the little one
> said, "But Gramma, you forgot to kiss the toilet paper good-bye!"
>
>
>
> #####
>
>
>
> My young grandson called the other day to wish me Happy Birthday.
> He asked me how old I was, and I told him, "62." He was quiet for a
> moment, and then he asked, "Did you start at 1?"
>
>
>
> #####
>
>
>
> After putting her grandchildren to bed, a grandmother changed into
> old slacks and a droopy blouse and proceeded to wash her hair. As
> she heard the children getting more and more rambunctious, her
> patience grew thin. Finally, she threw a towel around her head and
> stormed into their room, putting them back to bed with stern
> warnings. As she left the room, she heard the three-year-old say
> with a trembling voice, "Who was THAT?"
>
>
>
> #####
>
>
>
> A grandmother was telling her little granddaughter what her own
> childhood was like: "We used to skate outside on a pond. I had a
> swing made from a tire; it hung from a tree in our front yard. We
> rode our pony. We picked wild raspberries in the woods." The little
> girl was wide-eyed, taking this all in. At last she said, "I sure
> wish I'd gotten to know you sooner!"
>
>
>
> #####
>
>
>
> My grandson was visiting one day when he asked, "Grandma, do you
> know how you and God are alike?" I mentally polished my halo while
> I asked, "No, how are we alike?" "You're both old," he replied.
>
>
>
> #####
>
>
>
> A little girl was diligently pounding away on her grandfather's word
> processor. She told him she was writing a story. "What's it about?" he
> asked. "I don't know," she replied. "I can't read."
>
>
>
> #####
>
>
>
> I didn't know if my granddaughter had learned her colors yet, so I
> decided to test her. I would point out something and ask what color
> it was. She would tell me and was always correct. It was fun for
> me, so I continued. At last she headed for the door, saying sagely,
> "Grandma, I think you should try to figure out some of these
> yourself!"
>
>
>
> #####
>
>
>
> When my grandson Billy and I entered our vacation cabin, we kept
> the lights off until we were inside to keep from attracting pesky
> insects still, a few fireflies followed us in. Noticing them before I did,
> Billy whispered, "It's no use, Grandpa. The mosquitoes are coming after
> us with flashlights."
>
>
>
> #####
>
>
>
> When my grandson asked me how old I was, I teasingly replied, "I'm not
> sure." "Look in your underwear, Grandpa," he advised. "mine says I'm four
> to six."
>
>
>
> #####
>
>
>
> A second grader came home from school and said to her grandmother,
> "Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today." The
> grandmother, more
> than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. "That's interesting," she
> said, "how do you make babies?" "It's simple," replied the girl.
> "You just change 'y' to 'i' and add 'es'."
>
>
>
> #####
>
>
>
> Children's Logic: "Give me a sentence using the word "Pregnant", said a
> teacher.  The small boy wrote: "The fireman came down the ladder
> pregnant." The teacher took the lad aside to correct him. "Don't
> you know what pregnant means?" she asked. "Sure," said the young boy
> confidently. "It meanVs carrying a child."
>
>
>
> #####
>
>
>
> A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of
> kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the
> front seat of the truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children started
> discussing the dog's duties. "They use him to keep crowds back,"
> said one child. "No," said another, "he's just for good luck." A
> third child brought the argument to a close. "They use the dogs,"
> she said firmly, "to find the fire hydrants...

 
> Print and give a copy to each guest that enters your home.
> 10 RULES FOR THANKSGIVING DINNER AT MY HOUSE
>
>
>
>
>
> Don't get in line asking questions about the food. "Who made the potato salad? Is it egg in there? Are the greens fresh? Is the meat in the greens turkey or pork? Who made the macaroni and cheese? What kind of pie is that? Who made it? Ask one more question and I will punch you in your mouth, knocking out all your fronts so you won't be able to eat anything.
>
>
>
>
>
> If you can't walk or are missing any limbs, sit you're A$$ down until someone makes your plate for you. Dinner time is not the time for you to be independent. Nibble on them d**n pecans and walnuts to hold you over until someone makes you a plate.
>
>
>
>
>
> If you have kids under the age of twelve, I will escort their little behinds to the basement and bring their food down to them. They are not gonna tear my d**n house up this year. Tell them that they are not allowed upstairs until it's time for Uncle Butchie to start telling family stories about their mommas and papas. If they come upstairs for any reason except for that they are bleeding to death, I will break a foot off in their behinds!
>
>
>
> There is going to be one prayer for Thanksgiving dinner! JUST ONE! We do not care that you are thankful that your 13 year old daughter gave birth to a healthy baby or your nephew just got out of jail. Save that talk for somebody who gives a d**n. The time limit for the prayer is one minute. If you are still talking after that one minute is up, you will feel something hard come across your lips and they will be swollen for approximately 20 minutes.
>
>
>
>
>
> Finish everything on your plate before you go up for seconds! If you don't, you will be cursed out and asked to stay your greedy a$$ home next year!
>
>
>
> BRING YOUR OWN TUPPERWARE!! Don't let me catch you fixing yourself a plate in my good Tupperware knowing d**n well that I will never see it again! Furthermore, if you didn't bring anything over, don't let me catch you making a plate period or it will be a misunderstanding.
>
>
>
> What you came with is what you should leave with!! Do not leave my house with anything that doesn't belong to you. EVERYBODY WILL BE SUBJECTED TO A BODY SEARCH COMING AND GOING OUT OF MY DOMAIN!!!
>
>
>
>
>
> Do not leave your kids so you can go hopping from house to house. This is not a DAYCARE CENTER! There will be a kid-parent roll call every ten minutes. Any parent that is not present at the time of roll call, your child will be put outside until you come and get him or her. After 24 hours, I will call DHS on your ignorant ass!!
>
>
>
> BOOK YOUR HOTEL ROOM BEFORE YOU COME INTO TOWN!! There will be no sleeping over at my house! You are to come and eat dinner and then go home or to your hotel room. EVERYBODY GETS KICKED OUT AT 11:00 pm. You will get a 15 minute warning bell ring.
>
>
>
> Last but not least! ONE PLATE PER PERSON!! This is not a soup kitchen. I am not trying to feed your family until Christmas dinner! You will be supervised when you fix your plate. Anything over the appropriate amount will be charged to you before you leave. There will be a cash register at the door. Thanks to Cousin Alfred and his greedy family, we now have a credit card machine! So VISA and MASTERCARD are now being accepted. NO FOOD STAMPS OR ACCESS CARDS YET!

Dusty Underwear?

 One evening a husband, thinking he was being
funny, said to his wife
"Perhaps we should start washing your clothes
in Slim Fast. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt!!"
His wife was not amused, and decided that she
simply couldn't let such a comment go unrewarded.
The next morning the husband took a pair of
underwear out of his drawer. "What the Hell is this??" he said to
himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.
"April," he hollered into the bathroom, "Why did you put talcum
powder in my underwear?
"She replied with a snicker... "It's not talcum
 powder...... It's 'Miracle Grow'."

>>A Japanese doctor says, "Medicine in my country is so advanced that
>>we
>>can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him
>>out
>>looking for work in six weeks." A German doctor says, "That is
>>nothing.
>>We can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have
>>him
>>out looking for work in four weeks." A British doctor says, "In my
>>country medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out
>>of one
>>person, put it in another, and have both of them out looking for
>>work in
>>two weeks." The Canadian doctor, not to be outdone, interjected,
>>"You
>>guys are way behind. We took a woman with no brains, sent her to
>>Michigan where she became Governor, and now half the state is out
>>looking for work."

 

Mexico Drops Out Of Olympics











President Felipe Calderón of Mexico has announced that Mexico will not participate in the next Summer Olympics . He said that, "Anyone who can run, jump, or swim has already left the country.

'Rules of the South' are as follows!!!


1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.

2. Turn your cap right, your head isn't crooked.

3. Let's get this straight; it's called a "gravel road." I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you're going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.

4. They are cattle. That's why they smell to you. They smell like money to us. Get over it. Don't like it? I-40 goes east and west, I-65 goes north and south. Pick one.

5. So you have a $60,000 car. We're impressed. We have $250,000 cotton strippers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.

6. So every person in the south waves. It's called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.

7. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of doves are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don't have it up to your ear at the time.

8. Yeah, we eat catfish & crawfish. You really want sushi & caviar? It's available at the corner bait shop.

9. The "Opener" refers to the first day of deer season. It's a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.

10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.

11. No, there's no "vegetarian special" on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef's Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.

12. When we fill out a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables, and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup! Oh, yeah.... We don't care what you folks in Cincinnati call that stuff you eat...IT AIN'T REAL CHILI!!

13. You bring "coke" into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice. You bring "Mary Jane" into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.

14 College and High School Football is as important here as the Lakers and the Knicks, and a dang site more fun to watch.

15. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don't hit the water hazards -- it spooks the fish.

16. Colleges? We have them all over. We have State Universities, Universities, and Vo-techs. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays.

17. We have more folks in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines. So don't mess with us. If you do, you will get whipped by the best.

18. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain't music, anyway. We don't want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers!  Refer back to #1!